I used to have a Turkish friend. I say “used to” because I never really keep my friends for long, but I used to be friend with a girl from Turkey. Who, coincidentally, was also pretty crazy. And, I have to say, to my deepest regret, pretty as hell.pretty.
Anyway, my Turkish friend had an obsession: pictures. I don’t know what it is about Turkish people, but they love their photos. Every single we talked, she would send me at least 20 of them. Her sisters, her brothers, he 20 fucking cousins, her parents… A never-ending barrage of stupid blurry pictures at restaurants, bars, clubs, sporting events. Who cares? Why do these people not only keep a detailed photographic collection of their lives, but also feel the need to share it with strangers?
And we go back to the picture above. Every single photo that has ever been taken of Sumer Kolcak. This raises an obvious question: at which point exactly did he become batshit insane? As a child, he looks… normal. Even as a teenager, he looks just like every other teenager. Upon arrival to the United States and receiving his “permanent resident” card, he still looks fine. What mde him… crazy?
Did his stay in the US ruin him? One thing is certain, that little trip to a psych ward – where he was plain and simply tortured – didn’t help. Sumer wrote a post about it once: he was threatened, humiliated, degraded, insulted, mocked and abused. Forced to sleep on the floor, given medication by force, kept locked for weeks at the time.
Who posts a photo of his passport online anyway? Hold on, who gave him a passport anyway? How can that guy – the same guy who threatened to blow up eTrade and murder president Obama (I hope that sentence doesn’t get me on a list somewhere – if you are from the NSA, please read the context before flagging me as a terrorist please) – managed to get a passport? Maybe the US was too eager to get out of the country for good. Maybe that passport was cancelled the moment he entered Turkey and an agent sighed in relief. Mission accomplished.
4-Another fucking gross recipe
Oh my God, what the fuck is that? How could you possibly do something so awful?
Can we agree that of all the pieces of the chicken that we eat, the wings are by far the worse? I mean, these suckers have almost no meat, are nail-bitingly hard to eat and cost a fortune. And of all the worst ways to cook chicken wings, broiling is certainly the worst.
This just looks disgusting. Gross, undercooked, ghastly… Sumer, I wouldn’t buy your recipe book. At this point, this is so bad that he even seems to be mocking himself, mentioning how he could get sick from eating that. I think we can agree on one thing: this belongs straight to the trash. Not even Amy’s cats would eat that.
No post on Sumer would be complete without a screenshot about the infamous eTrade affair where Sumer pretended that “the IRS ruined him.” This is a statement of trades. Being a specialiast at this kind of stuff, I took the liberty to analyze it.
The first time we should note that is that Sumer should never come close to a trading platform ever again. The second is that, strangely, his obsession with computer stuff and food also translates on online markets. The third is, this is the page 71 of his trades. My own trade reports never go over 10 pages. In short, this guy is a true daytrader.
Given that, let’s analyze a few of his trades. Sumer tends to do short sale. A short sale is the opposite of buying a stock: instead of investing into a company, you are betting that the company will fail. How does it work? Very simple. Say you have 0 apple shares. You find someone who has 1,000 shares, you “borrow” them from him (by force, by the way. There is nothing the guy can do to stop you) and then you sell them. If the stock crashes, you rebuy them at the lower price and give the guy his shares back. If the stock rises, on the other hand, you are stuck rebuying the shares at a higher price. As you can see, it’s the opposite of buying a share.
Sumer apparently thought it was a good idea to short sell Apple. At $80 a share. This was in 2006, so before the Apple stock split. In fact, this was before the iPhone. Can you see what’s wrong in this picture? Apple stock would be worth $680 as of today, a return of roughty -600%. This is literally the worst short sale in history. He should be glad eTrade closed his account or he would be down a million by now.
But wait: Sumer also sold short Google! Two for the price of one! You have to be fucking stupid to bet against one giant tech company, but Sumer did it twice, and not with small amounts: Sumer did trades in the hundreds of thousands of dollars. Where the fuck did he get that kind of money. Who let him trade for so long? Think about it: on November 3, 2006, he bought over $330,000 of stocks. This is the same guy who is now “baking” chicken wings to survive, by the way. Which leads me to:
How many peaches did you buy? And why? Are you seriously going to eat all those peaches before they rot? Was this your peaches trip of the year?
In his commentary, Sumer Kolcak wrote “40 pounds of peaches.” Who the FUCK buys 40 pounds of peaches? Why that number exactly, are you trying to overdose on vitamin C? Then, he goes on a rant about going to a “peach carrefour.” So that’s how he spent his day: a “peach carrefour.” Then, he explains how he’s going to keep some in the fridge. I can’t wait for what recipe you can come on with, Sumer.
1. Scizophrenia mode: engaged
I’m not going to try to commentate this one. Ever heard the expression “too much of something is simply too much?” Well, Sumer hasn’t.
So much shit is going on in this picture at the same time that it’s hard to even start. Why would you buy 100 sandiches bread anyway? Why would you put all your groceries on the floor? Where do all these arrows point? Why are some arrows dashed and some full? Why some black and some green? Is this all for some kind of epic recipe? Why would you post comment directly on the pictures anyway? And, last of all, who gives a shit?
The top 10 sumer kolcak pictures. Great job, Sumer. Keep on the craziness!