God of Infinity Part 4: Batshit Insane

AND NOW THIS IS THE CLIMAX OF THE MOVIE: THE FINAL BATTLE. ARE YOU READY? ARE YOU FUCKING READY? CAPS LOCKS TIME! Let’s do this.

IF YOU FEEL DEPRESSED, GET NAKED IN YOUR ROOM GET SOME SUNLIGHT, WALK NAKED IN YOUR ROOM, YOU WILL BE INJECTED WITH IMAGINATION AND DATA YOU NEED TO EXECUTE YOUR MISSION.

So THAT’S where the data is coming from after all! Some guy who got naked in his apartment was “injected” with imagination. The mission…. The mission…

OBEY NO-ONE, COMPLY WITH NOTHING, CHALLENGE EVERYTHING.

Challenge even you, the one? Of course not! Challenge everything EXCEPT “The most supreme being in the universe,” of course. Unless mad scientists (sorry, jealous) got to him already? By the way, know how the Egyptians called the God of Infinity? Heh.

SICK THOUGHTS WILL POP UP IN YOUR MIND, IGNORE THEM. YOU KNOW WHO YOU ARE, THAT’S ALL THAT MATTERS. YOU ARE A GOD IN THE MAKING..

Oh fuck. Oh fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck.

THOSE RANDOM SICK THOUGHTS COME FROM THEM, THE JEALOUS LOSERS. THEY TRY TO STOP YOU.

“Daddy, I want to become a scientist when I grow up” “HOW DARE YOU? Think of all the sick thoughts you will send to people’s heads! Now, help me put some paper on the walls!”

IF YOU CAN NOT HANDLE THE SICKNESS INSIDE YOUR MIND.

Can I say “Scary as fucking Hell”? The “random sick thoughts will pop up in your mind”? “Can’t handle the sickness inside your mind”? Dude, this is damn fucking scary! Who knows what this guy is going to do next time he “can’t handle the sickness inside his mind”? Okay, that’s it, I’m calling the cops.

GO ON YOUTUBE LISTEN TO SOME SICK MUSIC, BY EMINEM OR SOMETHING, ANYTHING IS FINE. IF YOU ARE EXTREMELY STRESSED, JACK OFF TO PORN DO NOT LET THEM TURN YOU INTO RETARDS..

This guy… I think he has completely lost it at this point. The sick thoughts… They come from jealous scientists trying to stop your mission! But then again… I mean, there is something so beautiful, almost poetic in what he’s written! I mean, “DO NOT LET THEM TURN YOU INTO RETARDS.” It’s kind of poetic, no? No. Nevertheless, nothing scares me more than the next sentence:

YOU WILL JERK OFF, I WANT THAT PRESSURE TO GO AWAY SO YOU CAN WORK AND SPREAD THE TRUTH.

I don’t know why, but this genuinely frighten me. I mean, if you add up everything he’s said so far, especially the “white” thing combined with “spreading the truth”…. Or is it just me? Please tell me it’s just me.

THE TRUTH IS AS SIMPLE AS “WHITE STOPS AND REVERES AGING AND MAKES US IMMORTAL” I WILL EXPAND ON IT LATER.

There. “The Data”. The code has been cracked and the secret to infinity is out. You know what, the data is pretty damn simple after all. Didn’t need 50,000 words after all, Sumer. Another spoiler: he won’t expand on it later. Thank god.

NEVER GIVE UP ON WHITE, STRESS SHOWS UP BECAUSE YOU DO NOT HAVE WHITE AROUND YOU. WITH EHOUGH WHITE IN YOUR ROOM AND ENOUGH SUNLIGHT OR ANY LIGHT.. YOU CAN STOP THAT STRESS. THAT BUILDS UP AND TRIES TO TURN YOU AGAINST ME. SO YOU CAN FAIL.

“Greetings Mr. Kolcak, I am Dr. Mason, your psychiatrist. Today, I will do my best to help you.”

“NEVER GIVE UP ON WHITE”

You know, I started to wonder where this white bullshit was coming from. Then, I discovered the origin, and it was kind of sad. After he sent death threats to the president, Sumer spent two years of his life locked in a psychiatric facility. And what colors are chambers of psychiatric facility?I can’t be absolutely certain, but I would guess… white. I’m pretty sure this is where all of this is coming from. The “jealous scientists” are most likely the psychiatrists who treated him (and at the same time proved that science has its limits).

on youtube listen to songs such as..
 DIG UP HER BONES by MISFITS and SERIAL KILLER by SLASH’S SNAKESPIT

Here, for you.

What’s next? Hell, I want to become supreme. More data please. But then again, can you honestly say you are surprised this is the type of music Sumer likes? It’s not that those songs are bad (they are pretty good, actually, which is even more surprising, coming from Sumer!), it’s just that of all the possible songs he could have named, he OF COURSE picked these two.

these will eliminate the stress. CALL YOURSELF A “TERRORIST MASTERMIND”

“Greetings sir, I am officer Fisher, here for a routine noise complaint. What’s your name?” “MY NAME IS TERRORIST MASTERMIND. I LOVE ‘SERIAL KILLER’ AND ‘DIG UP HER BONES’ THESE HELP ME ELIMINATE ‘THE STRESS’ WHEN I CAN’T HANDLE THE SICKNESS INSIDE MY MIND”

you become the TERRORIST MASTERMIND that KILLS IGNORANCE and SICKNESS that exists on this planet.

Guys, it’s all a misunderstanding. He is a terrorist mastermind, sure – but he only kills ignorance and sickness. Deep within, he’s a good guy, only trying to make people knowledgeable and healthy (i.e. immortal beings). That or it just happens that everyone can be called either “ignorance” or “sickness” according to him. I mean, I would totally trust this guy to supervise our stock of nuclear weapons, wouldn’t you? BECOME AN IMMORTAL BEING! Wait, I think I get it! This is the base scenario for the Fallout games! That’s what happened!

i am looking for those that do not fear calling themselves TERRORIST MASTERMINDS.

Well, I’m out, no way I am renaming this website to TERRORISTMASTERMINDComeau.com. Is this how terrorists typically recruit other terrorists?

whatever you do, do not go over the top, i do not want to see you in prison, USE LOGIC to escape the loopholes that exists on this planet. do not let yourself fall into hospitals or prisons.

“NEWS REPORT: Today, the police have arrested a ‘TERRORIST MASTERMIND.’ Sadly, they were forced to let him go because he used logic to escape the loopholes that exists on this planet.” How do you use logic to escape a loophole anyway? Also, what are the loopholes on the planet? This, I would like to know. Can we travel to another universe, Sumer? Also, DAMNIT! I fell into a hospital today!

Now for the most ridiculous part of this whole post:

STAY SHARP, STAY LOGICAL, STAY SUPREME, GIVE THEM NOTHING GIVE THEM NO REASON TO PUT YOU IN A MENTAL HOSPITAL

In other words, don’t make such a post, ever.

GIVE THEM NO REASON TO PUT YOU INTO A PRISON. GIVE THEM NOTHING. IF POLICE SHOWS UP, SAY “OFFICER I AM JUST A CRAZY GUY THAT’S ALL”

Oh my… I… I have no words for that. I mean… WOW. I’m speechless here. What can I say?

“This is officer Fisher again, we have been told you have been talking to yourself and roaming around strangely… Wait, why are you holding a kitchen knife?”

“OFFICER I AM JUST A CRAZY GUY THAT’S ALL”

ESCAPE EVERYTHING, DO NOT DRIVE FAST, YOUR CAR’S INTERRIOR IS BLACK SO THEY WILL USE IT TO CONTROL YOUR MIND.

Oh my fucking god. Speechless. EVEN THE CARS! EVEN THE FUCKING CARS ARE AGAINST US! We’re in Transformers now! Hold a second… I just realized this, this guy has a car? He actually has a car? THIS GUY IS SHARING THE ROAD WITH ME? OH FUCK!

BE CAREFUL, DRIVE SAFELY. WHEN YOU SHAVE, SHAVE SLOWLY, I DO NOT WANT ANY CUTS ANY BRUISES, PREPARE FIRST. CALCULATE EVERYTHING.

Like in this video: (WARNING: LEGIT SCARY AS HELL. I kept it so far in this review for a reason):

“Facebook IPO preparation,” right. You know what? Is it me or recording yourself while you shave is dumb as hell? Isn’t it a bit dangerous to cut yourself? That, and one thing: who gives a shit? Who the fuck wants to watch someone else shave, seriously?

Description of the video:
Sumer Kolcak getting ready to groom himself so he can go to Palo Alto and take photos of FACEBOOK HQ and other places. Must not look arabic on this holy day.

This sounds like a 3rd restraining order in the making. But here again, I have to give credit: you’re wearing a WHITE shirt, Sumer! YES! Since the shaving cream is white as well, do you feel at peace when you shave, Sumer?

WHEN YOU WALK, WALK NICELY, DO NOT TRIP AND FALL OVER ON A KNIFE OR A ROCK.

Oh I HATE when that happens! Always tripping and falling on goddamn knives when I walk!

I WANT YOU 100%. CLEAN AND BEAUTIFUL. ONE MISTAKE AND YOUR FINGER BREAKS, AND YOU CANT TYPE ON THE INTERNET FOR A WHOLE YEAR.

That’s what I would imagine as the scenario for the next SAW.

SAW VIII Jigsaw voice: “One mistake… and your finger breaks… And worst yet… you can’t type on the internet for a WHOLE YEAR! Forget trying to type with nine fingers – YOU CAN’T DO THAT! MUHAHA!”
I WANT THOSE FINGERS HEALTHY AND QUICK AT THE SAME TIME. SPEED IS GOOD BUT SAFETY FIRST. BUT IF YOU DO BREAK A LEG OR A FINGER, IT’S COOL. YOU DID IT FOR A REASON, HAVE NO FEAR, YOU’LL BE ALRIGHT, YOU WILL GET YOUR REWARD LIKE NO OTHER

Break a finger, a leg… All the same thing. It’s cool, you did it for a reason.

BUT IT IS MY WISH TO SEE YOU IN 100% SAFE FORM. 100% SHARP, 100% GODLY, 100% SLICK ENOUGH TO AVOID PRISON AND PAPER CUTS.

Avoid prison AND paper cuts. Because they are totally similar, of course. Why those two fucking things in particular? What’s so fucking special about them? TELL ME, SUMER! IF YOU CUT YOUR  FINGER PUT A TAPE ON IT AND MOVE ON. If you cut your leg, put a bigger tape on it and move on.

BUT IT MEANS YOU FAILED A LITTLE BIT, SO KEEP IT IN MIND SO YOU CAN BE BETTER NEXT TIME AROUND.

No comment here. Just wanted to cut before introducing my favorite sentence in the entire text:

THAT’S HOW I BECAME SUPREME ANYWAY.

Brilliant. Absolutely brilliant. I’m not even being sarcastic here. This is really a brilliant sentence in any sense of the term. It’s just… beautiful. It sums up the entire text perfectly. I mean, try to place that in an everyday conversation:

“So Sumer, what did you do today?”

“Well, first I dressed in white, then I died my hair white, then I shaved all hair on my body, including private parts. Then, I put some serial killing music on, I got naked, I walked around my room, getting rid of anything that isn’t white. Then, I broke my leg and I cut my finger, but that’s okay because I did it for a reason. I pulled off my own tooth because there was an infection spreading to the brain, I called myself a “TERRORIST MASTERMIND,” and I created a time machine from black and white. THAT’S HOW I BECAME SUPREME ANYWAY.” Brillant. Fucking brilliant. Bravo, Sumer.

THAT’S HOW I WOKE UP ANYWAY. AS LONG AS YOU UNDERSTAND WHY YOU GOT A PAPER CUT AND HOW IT HAPPENED, THE NEXT CUT WILL BE A LOT LESS PAINFUL.

Understand why you got a paper cut? Huh, because you cut yourself with paper maybe? I’m not sure I understand the moral here. You became supreme and yet you cut yourself with paper? What? What the hell is your obsession with paper cuts anyway? They’re not that frequent, shut up with them already.

TRUST ME, IT’S NOT A MISTAKE BY YOU, IT’S THEIRY JEALOUSY AND HATE THAT SHOWS UP IN DARK COLORS AROUND YOU, TO BRING YOU DOWN. LISTEN TO THE SONG ON YOUTUBE “YOU KNOW MY NAME” by CHRIS CORNEL, do not think of yourself as RACIST just because you feel like BLACK is a bad color, BLACK PEOPLE TOO WANT YOU TO GIVE THEM THE ANSWER SO THEY TOO CAN BECOME IMMORTAL BEINGS.

That is kind of good music, actually! Sumer has good musical tastes, which makes all of this even weirder. I mean, I more or less expected him to say that music was the sound produced when colors talked. That or an invention by jealous scientists to get inside your ears. By the way, guess which Beatles’ album is Sumer’s favorite? Guess which song on this album is his favorite (hint: it’s the song where the void is talking). By the way. this comment solves the “racism” problem as well. He’s not racist, guys, he just want them to turn into “immortal beings” too. No discrimination: everyone gets turned into “immortal beings” in his world.

IF SOMEONE CALLS YOU A “WHITE TRASH” IGNORE THAT, THEY ARE BEING CONTROLLED BY SCIENTISTS THAT DO NOT WANT YOU TO RISE INTO POWER.

Of course, I already guessed that. I mean, it’s obvious at this point Sumer.

BLACK PEOPLE WILL THANK YOU SOMEDAY FOR YOUR HARD WORK TO GIVE THEM THE IMMORTALITY DATA. DO NOT FEEL RACIST ONE BIT AS YOU EXECUTE THIS TASK. FEAR NOTHING BUT BE SLICK, DO NOT LET YOURSELF GET HURT. I WANT YOU SAFE, YOU ARE MINE. S.U.M.E.R. K.O.L.C.A.K. ( now you know my name, there is only one person by this name in the whole world, i am not a clone like you failures. & i do not hide in the shadows like you mass murderers. )

And this, lady and gentlemen, was S.U.M.E.R.K.O.L.C.A.K., God of Infinity, THE ONE, The Most Supreme Being In The Universe.

You know, I can perfectly picture Sumer Kolcak the very second after he was done typing his “data,” alone in his 150 square feet apartment, pressing “enter” to submit his “essay” (I hope I do not get sued for using that word to describe what he has written there), and then, after he finally posted “the code,” he leans back on his chair and lets out a long sigh, feeling completely satisfied. Relieved. He has done it. He has cracked the code, once and for all. I can perfectly imagine Sumer as he types the final words, smiling – maybe he jumps from his chair as he types his name with dots between the letters because, hey, that’s what the code tells him to do. He press “post” and he feels happier than he’s even been. “That’s it. I have transmitted the data. You lose, scientists! It’s too late now!” He starts dancing around in joy: his entire life is about to change. From now on, everything will work for him; after spending so long in prisons and in hospitals, after so much suffering, he has finally done it. He’s no longer a clone. He really has become the God of Infinity.

THAT’S HOW I BECAME SUPREME ANYWAY

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