And we are now at the second most annoying hobo on the list: Snoring Asshole.
This one doesn’t need a description. He is just a moron who is there every single night without exception and, well, who sleeps, and snores. Loudly. Fucking, very loudly. It’s insane, what the fuck does he thinks this place is? A hotel?
The annoying version of “Drunk or Passed Out?”, this moron snores so loudly even music won’t cover it, and he has ruined more good stories than all the Tim Hortons in the universe combined (if you find that I’m using the word “universe” a lot here, it’s simply because I wrote this section while I was writing “The Final Puzzle”). Snoring Asshole always sleeps in the exact same chair; one day, I decided to take his spot before he had a chance to and I could see him getting confused and just walk around, looking at the universe of tables over and over again. Clearly, I had upset his entire universe. I think this moron can only fall sleep at one very specific place in the universe; in a way, he belongs to another universe. In fact, if you manage to arrive before him, a complicated task as he doesn’t have a universe of things to do, then you might just have a chance. On that night, however, he did manage to universally beat me, eventually settling for the table next to me and snoring even louder that normally, forcing me out of the store and into another universe entirely (leaving early is a recurring theme at this coffee shop).
With that, you might wonder why the café doesn’t kick him out; I mean, it’s not like he orders anything, ever. Well, the explanation, it turns out, is rather straightforward: Second Cup was co-started by a homeless person. Now, I don’t know if there is a secret order or credo between the homeless and I don’t know whether or not they have designated zones where only one of them can beg (stay out of my territory), but I do know that the employees are strongly incited not to kick homeless people out. In fact, Second Cup is the most homeless-friendly coffee shop, and I am not exactly sure how it helps their business, but then again, I don’t own a large coffee shop chain (yet).
Still, Snoring Asshole earns a few points as he tends to make me laugh (indirectly). Sometimes, some other students, possibly as annoyed by his snoring as I am, like to bang on his table as loud as they can to wake him up. Every time, he jumps a feet in the air and I think it’s hilarious as hell (this is the part of my personality that never quite grew up). Typically, he goes back to sleep less than fifteen minutes later, creating a perpetual circle as well as a new paradox which reads: “Are we ever truly awake?”
Snoring Asshole is by far one of the worst illnesses plaguing my writing sessions; I would go as far as say that I would have already become a worldwide renowned author and multi-millionaire if he and annoying hobo number one didn’t exist. He can snore for hours sometimes so loud your table will tremble.
I used to think Snoring Asshole was a quite boring character, unworthy of making his way on such a stellar list until I saw him awake one day (I was happy, because until then, I wasn’t going to put Mr. Drunk/Passed out as I felt both were too similar), doing crosswords. Already, I was a bit surprised: this guy knew how to write? But what impressed me the most was the speed and precision with which he would complete his puzzles; he barely lifted the pen from the paper and almost never stopped writing. He filed these things so fast that the most time he lost was when he had to flip the pages to start a new crossword.
Still, I have to admit I didn’t give it much thought at first; it was only a few weeks later, when I saw another copy of the exact same book the man had that I came to realize just how impressive this man was. The book was the latest from the “USA Today Crossword” series and inside were some of the hardest crosswords I had ever seen. It was so difficult I couldn’t even place one word. Take these for example:
“Weaver’s contraption.” What?
“Aussie’s warning cry” HOW THE HELL AM I SUPPOSED TO KNOW THAT?
“Mother, in an old, classic song” Mama? I don’t know, but that’s what I felt like saying after reading those.
I spent twenty minutes looking at the book without even managing to find a single word. I mean, you try, go ahead! After that traumatic event, I had a newfound respect for Snoring Asshole. The next time I saw him doing his crosswords, I just shook my head in disbelief. How does he do it? Who can he fill these things so fast?
Still, despite his hidden literary genius, Snoring Asshole remains ultra-annoying and ultra-hard to avoid; if you’re lucky, you can find a table far enough from him, making the situation somewhat tolerable. Sometimes, however, subtly waking him up be your only choice.
Alternative Theory: Fallen from grace literary genius
Leonard Brinoff, a literary genius, has seen his many plans of becoming a renowned author go awry; these days, he spends most of his time at the coffee shop where he wrote his first novel, doing crosswords just to “stay in shape” while doing his best to block the painful thoughts that he is a failed writer. In other words, he’s the future me.