The Top Ten Most Annoying Hobos: 7) Staring Dyke

7-Staring Dyke


This “lady” has killed more erections than smoking, hypertension, obesity and curious close-up shots in pornography all together. There is something so incredibly unattractive about her that I just can’t put it in words (there is something incredibly unattractive about being homeless altogether, I must say). Staring Dyke has the weirdest ponytail in the universe, almost as if she didn’t understand the point of having one: she combs roughly 60% of her hair at the weirdest possible angle above her head and I can tell that the last time she washed them, the Expos were still playing in Montreal and still had a shot at making the World Series.

Staring Dyke is quite overweight, which isn’t all that surprising given her habit to order cheesecakes (the shop offers three kinds: blueberry, raspberry and caramel. Do we really need three choices of one type of dessert, even more so a 29%-fat one?), also called “how to eat 1,200 calories in five minutes.” Where does she get her money to be able to afford a $8 piece of cake every night, you ask? That’s the kind of question you don’t want answered.

But by far her most annoying attribute – unless you are a physicist concerned with the fact her mass break several laws of physics – is her habit of staring at you for hours at time. There is no other way to explain it: she can stare at you, in your eyes, for hours. Every single time I’m sitting facing her (i.e. roughly a 300 degrees angle) and raise my head, she’s there, looking at me. It’s… scary! What the hell does she want, to eat me?

Staring Dyke has another particularity: every time I see her (and every time she actually decide not to visualize me as some kind of fat-based desert), she’s reading the same book. I ain’t joking: she’s always reading the exact same book. I can’t tell you the name of it because it frankly looks like a very weird book (Cheesecake recipes for dummies, maybe), but I can also tell you that, even weirder, I have never, ever seen her flip a page. She simply reads the same page, over and over again.

Now, it’s possible she flips the pages when I’m not there (it’s also possible she doesn’t know how to read – more probable even, I would say), but I can swear that every single time I see her, she’s stuck on the same damn two pages. What the hell is so interesting about those two pages in particular? I actually sat behind her once and observed for fifteen minutes and she kept reading these same two pages!

I named her “dyke” first because I know there is no way in hell any guy would ever be sexually attracted to her (Women, I can’t know), second because, well, she dresses exactly like a lesbian. Check shirt (not of the “nice” category, and not of the “sexy” category neither, but thanks God on that), big belt, long, ugly pants… Whatever. While Staring Dyke could be very annoying due to her habit of harassing you (if you don’t believe me, go stare at a random cop without starting a word and see what happens), she earns a lower rank as she tends not to stick for long (there is only so many times you can re-read the same passage of a book, I suppose) and as she is relatively easy to avoid (just sit with your back turned on her).


Alternative Theory: Genius Mathematician


A mathematics prodigy, Carla Roublanka has spent the last 30 years of her life attempting to solve the famous P=NP problem. The solution, she is certain of it, can be found in a very particular theorem, printed on two very peculiar and precious pages. Two years ago, out of absolutely nowhere, Carla solved a complex mathematical problem while staring at a complete random stranger in a very particular café, saving 500,000 lives; she now seeks to reproduce her success at the same spot, in honor of her deceased colleague and lover “Cheesecake Carrie,” who choked to death eating cheesecake.

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