No top ten list would be complete without a proper religious maniac. When sane, religifreaks tend to be boring, condescending, idiotic and overzealous (okay, stepping on the “sane” part a bit here) imbeciles. When insane, thankfully, they tend to provide some of the best entertainment in the world. Sadly, Biblefreak lands between the two categories, into the “purely fucking annoying” zone. In clear terms, Biblefreak makes absolutely no sense. He believes The Bible predicted every single event in the history of humanity, down to the color of shirt I am wearing on that day (you are wearing the shirt God wanted you to wear!), but then again can’t explain how a close to infinite amount of data could be contained in 2,000 or so pages (taking a wild guess on the number of pages here, I’m not going to open a Bible just for an article). But it doesn’t stop there: Biblefreak also believes The Bible predicts everything that will happen until the end of time, which explains why he hasn’t won the lottery yet. Which now leads me to the interlude.
Interlude: Stock Market Genius “Sean”
Shocked is one way to describe it, obviously. All that’s missing from the page are some fake reviews such as “I didn’t believe it when I ordered but today GODSWILL jumped 5,000% to heaven!!!!!!” No wait, here it is:
Anyway, back to Biblefreak
Everything, according to him is God’s will, except that people today are going against God’s will. So is everything God’s will or not? If I am going against God’s will, is that still God’s will? Is God trying to trick me? As an Israeli, Biblefreak has yet another obsession: Palestinians. Absolutely everything can be blamed on them. In fact, he goes in great lengths to explain how Palestinians were banned in the Bible, how they ruined his country and how they are now ruining this one. I’m not sure exactly how they could have done that, and then again neither is he, but what matters, according to him, is that they will bring the Apocalypse upon us. The Bible says so. What, you didn’t know that? Palestinians crashed the economy, brought the end of the world upon us, destroyed the Holy Land and killed God, or at least tried to kill God, I’m not sure about this one, and this is the part where his diatribe really started to wear me off. Without shock or surprise, he hates homosexuals (all Palestinians are homosexuals and sinners - personal note, he uses the word “sinner” a lot too), believes abortion is Satan and that the world will end in 5 years. Whatever, he’s old, he probably won’t even live 5 years anyway. Biblefreak is also obsessed with the news and can fabricate a link between any recent event and the Palestinians; it is only when he associated a shipwreck with “underwater sea-based Palestinian rock sappers” that I realized the magnitude of his delusions. And as if all that wasn’t enough, Biblefreak has yet another avocation: telling the most boring ass stories imaginable to man. Don’t believe me? Here’s one just for you:
“So there was a jewel store. The place sold jewelry. And they sold watches… And yeah, they sold earrings, you know, with diamonds? I don’t know if they were real diamond, but I got a fake ruby ring once from a seller on vacations, you know, the big town in Spain there? The capital, I think, like Ottawa is the capital of Canada. You know, where the Queen is? Well, she’s in England, but you know, Quebec is more French now, except Montreal maybe, but then again, a lot of French speakers too, they don’t give good French class, but you have to pay. Expensive for immigrants. But I don’t consider myself an immigrant – I’m businessman, I invest and work. In a business, you go to see partners… If you want to start a jewelry store… Ah yeah, jewelry store! They sold watches, and once I bought a watch on the internet and the guy said: ‘Pay by credit card.’ I never had a credit card because in the Bible they say that…”
And it goes on… And on… And on… You thought my interlude was bad and unrelated? This guy could teach classes on nonsense, he’s the grandmaster of palavering. Delusional? Completely fucked up? Plain old crazy? In all cases, I wonder if that story was also predicted by the Bible. Given how it was going, I could believe it. This guy is easy as hell to avoid, but if he addresses you, you better as hell not reply, or you’re sure as dead: after telling him the time by mistake (big mistake, it almost cost me an entire novel), I had to pretend I had a heart attack to get away from him. He will keep talking to you, whether you reply or not, until he passes out from exhaustion ten days later. And believe me: your iPod doesn’t play music loud enough to cover his voice, unless it was made by a Palestinian, of course. Once, he was talking to me, and I pretended I had to go to the bathroom. He was still talking when I came out – alone, by himself. I stayed out of sight for five minutes, and he still never stopped. I had to call my entire writing session off. Biblefreak would be much higher on the list if it was not for the fact that he is relatively easy to avoid as he always sits in the Concert Zone, giving you another reason to avoid that section. The day he decides to sit in the Courtyard, I might have to put an end to my writing career.
Alternative Theory: Sumer Kolcak.
No comment necessary. Now onto the second half of the list!