The Top Ten Most Annoying Hobos: 10) The Black Lady

10-The Black Lady


If we were living in Skyrim, this woman would give the most interesting quests, ever. Very simply put, she is one of the most mysterious person I have ever met, down to the Heisenberg-type hat (the Breaking Bad guy, I don’t think the real Heisenberg ever wore hats).

Spotlessly clean, neat, very well-dressed and of prim appearance, but also of advanced age and very wizened, The Black Lady always does the same thing every night: absolutely fucking nothing. Seriously, she just goes to sit on a chair and she waits. I’ve seen her stand in the exact same position for five hours straight without budging an inch. The Black Lady gets her name from her clothes, all of them black. The polar opposite of Sumer Kolcak, she wears the same clothes every day (or, should I say, every night) without exception: black hat, black jacket, black shirt, black jeans, black shoes and even black socks. As if that wasn’t enough, she always carries two very oversized black duffel bags, always the same ones, and always jam-packed. Now, I have absolutely no fucking idea what could be in those bags (apart from a build-it-yourself house from IKEA), but I do know that they are heavy as hell. Once, I tried to move them a bit with my foot to pass and I can say that they are easily over a hundred pounds each. What the fuck is in those bags? And she has them with her every single night!

The Black Lady usually arrives late, usually at around 10PM, and leaves at around 1AM. She is by far the least annoying hobo in the place and I never hesitate to sit next to her. In recent times, she has started to carry the most ancient books I have ever seen (think: Babylonian era), each easily over 2,000 pages, and spends hours and hours writing nonstop. Seriously, even I don’t write so fast. I wonder if she’s single?


Alternative theory: Hitwoman


An elite hitwoman, Sylvia Blackheart has the strange but effective strategy of being seen at the same place every night, appearing as a simple homeless woman to unsuspecting passersby and customers. Her first bag carries her full and rich arsenal, which goes from simple knives to full-scale assault rifles; her second contains the body of her victim whenever she carries a hit, allowing for an easy disposal after her night shift at the café. As she always carries these bags with her, nobody ever questions their content, automatically assuming it’s the same thing from night to night, allowing her to travel without attracting any attention and to carry her mission with unprecedented precision and efficiency. Her presence at that café every night offer a flawless alibi and her high rates make the nightly wait (where she carefully evaluates her next contract and its various possible approaches) well worth it. In other words, I still wonder if she’s single – I do happen to have a “list”…

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