Honorable mention: Lobster Man
This is the reddest guy I have ever met. Seriously: every single square inch of his body is of the brightest and deepest tint of crimson I have ever laid eyes on. In fact, he’s so red my ex Erika would have attempted to exorcize him (more on Ms. Jesus later some day. If you can’t wait, simply move to Mississippi and date a girl there to understand what our relationship looked like).
Lobster Man has the thickest beard I have ever seen; in fact, my leading theory is that he was born before razors and shaving supplies were invented, or perhaps before time itself. This man has also decided not to waste a penny with things as trivial as haircuts: he has the messiest hair I could possibly imagine and I don’t think he even knows what a barber or a hairdresser is.
This guy doesn’t make the list since, technically, he’s not homeless. I mean, I used to think he was, but I once heard him discuss philosophy with a student for hours (and, very frankly, it was kind of interesting), which leads me to the conclusion that “Lobster Man” is in fact a philosophy teacher. Sometimes, the line between “homeless” and “philosophy teacher” is quite thin indeed.
Alternative theory: The very first astronaut
A physics genius and child prodigy, Karloff Overbearded was one of the very first man to walk on the sun. Perma-sunburned as a result, he now wanders the Earth at night and at night only (even the slightest amount of UV-ray would cause him to burst into flames and self-consume), tacitly postulating that the Burning Man is nothing but a dilettante. He now spends his evenings writing vampire stories and trying to understand what went wrong in his life, perhaps regretting his decision to, I don’t know, step on the fucking sun. Still, legends proclaim that the day Karloff will die, the Sun will die as well.
Now on to the main list!