The Top Ten Most Annoying Hobos: 5) Armless Arry

5-Armless Arry


I call him “Armless Arry,” but “Harmless Harry” would be just as right: he doesn’t have lower arms (he has hands and upper arms, though; he’s kind of like that guy in King of the Hill, but arm-wise), and I doubt he could cause any real harm.

Armless Arry is, when he decides to be annoying, by far one of the most annoying people on this face of the planet. He carries a laptop so old you could tell me it was the first laptop ever built and I would believe you. Technically speaking, it’s in two pieces now, and the plastic is about to biodegrade totally.

On this monstrosity, he runs the most crumped down version of Windows 98 I have ever seen. His computer is so slow I once wrote two short stories by the time it took it to boot up, and it must be the only laptop still on the market without wifi. In fact, I don’t think connecting this thing to the internet is even possible as, as far as I know, it predates the birth of Al Gore.

On this artifact, Armless Arry executes his signature move, propelling him into the higher spheres of “god-fucking annoying,” called “Way-too-fucking-loud music,” in a manner redolent of the Concert Zone. Gosh his music is annoying, it’s… It’s… It’s so weird, really. I mean, it’s unlike any other type of music I’ve ever heard in my life; it truly does not fit into any genre and does not correspond to any style I’ve ever heard. It’s just… I mean, fucked up! His “songs” are basically just some guy with a deep voice talking or singing, I can’t be sure, nonstop. There’s some kind of out of tune guitar playing behind, there’s a sitar I think, I don’t know.

Armless Arry has only five songs on his computer, none of them lasting less than 30 minutes, and he plays them over and over again, as often as he can, and as loud as he can (which is not that loud given the quality of his laptop’s speakers, but still). He is terribly annoying, and listening to these songs is the only thing he does – I mean, it’s not like his computer could do much more, it already almost overheats playing one song – but listening to these songs is apparently his entire life. One day, he will understand the point of an iPod, and that day, his life will change (and ours too).

Now, I might sound like kind of a prick to pick on a handicapped person, but make no mistake: this guy is a true asshole, and I never understood why handicapped assholes should get a free pass. Once, another person asked him to lower the volume of his music (a saint, really) and Armless Army responded by raising the volume instead. And don’t go and pretend he wanted to lower it and just pressed the wrong button: he kept it that way until I left ten minutes later, and the asshole was smiling the whole time. He knows his music annoys everyone downtown and he doesn’t give a damn.

Still, despite his incredible annoying-ness, Armless Arry hangs down relatively low on this list for one simple reason: his laptop’s battery lasts around 15 minutes, or around half a song. There aren’t any electrical outlet in the court, and his computer takes exactly 6 hours to fully charge in another section (I timed it), meaning he can listen to a maximum two songs per day, and for this, I thank God every day. The day he can afford a new computer, I’m turning to a life of crime… And starting to steal computers. What is he going to do anyway, punch me? Yeah, good luck with that

Alternative theory: Konrad Zuse Jr.


The son of the renowned computer inventor, Konrad Zuse Jr. now attempts to follow his father’s footsteps by listening to His glorious teachings over and over again, slightly pushing the frontiers of cutting edge informatics with every play. Co-inventor of the Zune and cloud computing, Konrad Zuse Jr. still works using his Father’s first laptop – originally a gift for the Fuhrer himself, designed to launch V2 rockets. Using his Father’s teachings, Konrad Zuse Jr. is about to break into the secrets of Quantum computing once and for all. In order to be able to type faster, Konrad had his lower arms removed so his body would be closer to the computer screen.

Alteralternatively, I like to think that Konrad Zuse Jr. is trying to solve The Final Puzzle.

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