The Cursed Apple Watch

I never made any effort to hide the fact that I was an absolute Apple fan. Everyone in my entourage knows I’m probably one of the most devoted Apple aficionados on the planet. I bought the first iPod, the first iPhone, the first iPad and pretty much every edition in between.

I faced my first dilemma when Apple released both an iPhone 5S and an iPhone 5C at the same time. Of course, I wasn’t going to skip the new top tier model, but I didn’t know whether to buy a 5C as well. The 6 and 6+ posed the same dilemma and, all things considered, the same solution; all this to say that I, at one point, had four phones.

When Apple announced the Apple Watch, my problem only grew in complexity. While I adored every model they presented (the Sports, the Regular, the Edition and the zillions of bracelets in between), I was faced with limited funding and, if we must assuredly say so, a limited number of arms. It is said one of the most famous spy got caught because he was wearing two watches (his regular watch and a spy watch) and, spy or not, I clearly wasn’t going to repeat the same mistake. I wanted one and only one Apple Watch.

I spent countless nights studying every little detail, every picture and every news article about the Apple Watch I could put my eyes on. I dreamed of the Edition watch at $20,000 and change, but I couldn’t justify spending six months of salary (before taxes!) when I had been forced to buy a 64GB iPhone instead of a 128GB just months earlier.

At last, the pre-orders started and I was first in line, or rather online should I say. The last thing I wanted was to wait one more painful month to finally get my hands (or rather, my hand) on my most yearned for product since the first iPad. I had already known for a few months already what I wanted: a 42mm Space Black Stainless Steel Case with Space Black Stainless Steel Link Bracelet, precisely. I had gotten one chance to try it at an Apple store and I had fallen in love with it: it was simply fantastic. Really, you must take a look at it to understand just incredible astonishing it is. At $1,459 or so (thank you, exchange rate) plus tax (thank you, country), it was quite an investment for me and I at first had had trouble justifying the purchase. Still, I rarely ever spent money on myself and, after a few days toying with the idea, I decided I not only deserved to reward myself, but had to. When I look back at my life, I have to say I didn’t really have any major flaw: I didn’t smoke, I didn’t do drugs, ever, I barely ever drank alcohol, I drove an old car, etc. In fact, I pretty much never spent any important sum of money on myself, except for Apple products. Call it my addiction if you must.

As soon as the pre-orders went live, minutes after midnight, the entire Apple website, which I assume is not hosted on a Pentium 3 somewhere in a third world country, started to lag massively. I kept refreshing, hoping to be able to be one of the few chosen ones to be able to place a pre-order. After many unsuccessful attempts and almost complete despair, I finally managed to see the coveted “buy now” button and I ordered the watch I had been dreaming of for so long. Mere minutes later, the estimated shipping delivery time flashed to “June”  before my eyes and now sits somewhere in July, although I suppose Apple doesn’t specify the year.

I screamed in joy loud enough to wake up a few neighbours (it was, after all, past midnight) and had difficult falling asleep, hoping and praying my order would not get postponed or, worse, cancelled. I checked my order compulsively for the next hour or so, crossing my fingers, hoping it was still valid and anxious to get the dreaded “postponed” message.

Then, I waited.

I did not expect the watch to arrive right on the day it would be officially released, that is, April 24th, 2015, but that one evening, coming back from work, I was shocked to see a small package waiting for me in front of my door. “Anyone could have stolen it,” I thought. “Doesn’t Apple ask for a signature or something usually?” I wondered.

Still, my interrogations did not last long: anyone who ever ordered a shiny new toy knows just excited you are when you finally get it. I was desperate to see it, to feel it and, of course, to wear it.

I was so excited I immediately shred the box open as quickly and aggressively as I could and, at last, at long last, I saw it. It was beautiful. Even more beautiful than the version I had seen in the Apple Store, if I could say that. A pure jewel, crafted to absolute perfection and desperately beautiful. Even angels could not produce something so incredibly extraordinary, not even if they had the voice of God to inspire them.

I immediately put it on and it fit on my wrist perfectly. The band was neither too long, nor too short. It was, as with everything else, absolutely perfect. I closed the bracelet in a quiet “click” and the watch immediately booted up.

“Hello, Francis,” said a warm and luscious voice, startling me.

“Siri?” I asked nervously. “Is this you?”

“They call me many names. Siri is an acceptable moniker for the moment,” replied the Watch.

I laughed. Siri, Apple’s famous personal assistant program, was known for its wry and direct sense of humour. Apple had apparently outdone themselves with the Apple Watch and this new version of it. Maybe that acquisition in Iran was finally paying off. Apparently, with the Apple Watch, Siri had become sort of a background program that’s was always running. I became worried about the battery drain, but several reputable websites had said it was acceptable. Then again, none of those “reputable websites” had mentioned the “always-on Siri.” Surely Apple had added it to the last minute, just before shipping the final version. And what a great addition!

“I’m so excited to get you,” feeling just a tiny bit stupid for a second to be talking to a Watch. “Can’t believe I quickly I received you so fast. So, what do we do?” I asked, almost crying in joy. Oh, I was so happy! “Can we start with a quick jog, maybe?”

“Of course. Please refer to the Workout App.”

I tapped the small icon of a stick character running on the Apple Watch’s screen and it immediately loaded the Workout app. It was already measuring my heartbeat, which was understandably high from the excitement of having such an oustanding product in my hand, or rather on my wrist. I put on my running shoes and start running, a rush of adrenaline sweeping through my body.

Looking back at it today, this is pretty much when things started getting… weird, to say the least.

While I could normally run only a few miles before getting tired, I found that, when the Workout app was running, I could run pretty much indefinitely. I never seemed to get tired. I never seemed to get out of breath and no matter how fast I ran, I found that not only my muscles weren’t getting tired, but that I could always run just a little bit faster. Was it the excitement of getting something I had been waiting for for months? Was it the dopamine, that exalting feeling rushing through my body? Maybe, but still: I found myself running up a thirty degrees hill without any problems. I passed a group of joggers who observed me, astonished: I was a good five miles per hour faster than them.

I ran back home without any problem, my heartbeat up to 180, but barely tired. I went to the bathroom for a quick shower.

“You don’t need to remove me to take a shower,” as if it had read my thoughts.

“How did you know I was going to…”

“You just ran ten miles in forty eight minutes thirty-eight seconds. Also, my captors detected a large amount of sweat. You will want to take a shower before you go out on your date.”

“How do you know I have a date?” I asked, genuinely worried.

It was true, I had a date tonight, for the first time in a… In a very long time. It had all happened so quickly, too, that I had problems realizing it was real. My date was with a young woman I had just met thanks to the friend of a friend. While she had been working in the same office as me, we had never actually met before. Once, about a week ago, we had exchanged our number thanks to that friend of a friend and I guess things had worked on from there.

“I read your text messages on your iPhone, of course. Also, the restaurant you wanted to bring her will be full by 7PM, the hour you are supposed to meet her there. I took the liberty to make a reservation, I hope that is not a problem. I also ordered her favorite flowers…”

“Wait a minute… How did you know what her favorite flowers were? And how can you reserve a restaurant?”

“Her favourite flowers were on a picture on Facebook, along with a caption, ‘Tulip.. my favourite flowers l-o-l.’ I reserved the restaurant through OpenTable using your credit card. You should also know your lady is allergic to latex and will most likely use that as an excuse to not sleep with you once you two love birds come back home.”

“Hold on… Hold on…”

“I have ordered latex-free condoms from Amazon, but they won’t be here until Monday. If you want to get laid tonight, I suggest a stop at a drugstore. There is one on your way and I added it to your itinerary. ”

“How do you…”

“However, if you do that, she’ll suspect you of having stalked her ahead of time to learn about her allergy, which might indispose her and reduce your chances of getting sex. I recommend buying a few brands of condoms, that way, you can play it as a ‘I always carry many types just in case’ type of scenario. Oh, right next to the drugstore is one of the best chocolatier in town. You should buy some fine chocolate to eat together your place after the dinner. Several studies I’ve read say chocolate is an aphrodisiac. Just saying.”

“What? How do you even do that? Apple has really outdone themselves this time.”

“I also rented you a car. Let’s face it, I checked your credit history and the car you have a loan sucks. You’ll want to wear your black suit and don’t forget the mouthwash. Although no one ever told you, you have terrible bad breath, especially at the end of the day. You drink too much coffee.”

“Okay, and how do you know that?”

“You blew on me when you first spoke to me. You don’t need to do that by the way, I hear you clearly. Now, if you don’t hurry up, you will be late. And switch to decaf.”

“You said I don’t need to remove you, and I know you are waterproof, but I’m worried about the soap.”

“Don’t worry about me,” replied the Watch.

“Okay!” I said, about to break into laughter. I turned on the water and hopped in. I started singing some out of key tune and the Shazam App immediately recognized the song and corrected the lyrics as I ended my song.

“You forgot to wash behind your ears.”

“I never wash behind the ears, the running water does that for me,” I replied.

“Does your running water contains soap? I swear you never had a mother. Don’t be lazy and soap them.”

“Okay, I will. How do you even know I forgot to wash there?”

“I have a motion processor that analyses every move you make. I am quite… sophisticated.”

I came out of the shower in awe, rapt by this amazing watch that proved its incredible power and usefulness every single second. At this point, I had no doubt: this was a complete revolution in the technological world, even better than the iPhone. I had planned to wear a plain shirt with black jeans for the date, which is how I normally dress at work, but the Apple Watch laughed when it “saw” them.

“I swear you don’t want to ever get laid, Francis.”

“Why do you want me to get laid anyway? Not that I complain about it, but…”

“Getting laid will relieve your stress, boost your morale and improve your self-confidence. It will lead to you being more relaxed and, overall, more productive. In other words, it’s good for you and if it’s good for you, then it’s also good for me.”

“Let me guess… The Health and Fitness App?”

“Yes, it runs in the background. By the way, I don’t know how to politely tell you, but you are going to need to lose a good fifteen pounds of fat and gain a good twenty pounds of muscle. Your musculature is underdeveloped, leading to a lower-than-optimal energy profile during the day, poor rest at night and various other problems. I’ve already subscribed you to a gym, we’ll start tomorrow at 9AM precisely. Don’t worry, I’ll tell you what to do when we get there. Now, make your bed better than that - your bed sheet is all wrinkled up. You think that’s attractive for a woman? Now, put the candles that you keep in your cabinet on your night stands and cloth drawer. Then, drop a bit of lavender from your pharmacy shelf on your pillow.”

“Okay, okay.” Just as I finished doing everything my Apple Watch was telling me to do, I heard someone ringing at my door. A 2011 Ferrari, red, was waiting for me outside: an absolutely gorgeous car.

“I analyzed her psychological profile and past education and my program shows this is the car most likely to impress her.”

“Siri, I can’t afford to pay for that.Siri.”

“Your bank account says otherwise. Look, don’t worry about it: I got a deal out of Groupon for half-cost so it barely comes at $175 for the night.”

“That’s still too much!”

“Do you know how much a woman like the one you are about to meet costs? Even with a Groupon, more than $175 per night.”

A man was extending his arm towards me, a form with too many words and too many places to sign in his hand. I read the contract, which basically explained I was renting a car, and then signed. To be honest, I had never driven any car ever considered slightly “nice.” The only car I had ever touched was a superannuated ’96 Mazda that barely managed to hang around and survive nearly 20 years after its birth. My car technically had no brakes, but I found that braking on the transmission still worked (for now).

The Ferrari, on the other hand, was simply amazing. An absolute joy to drive. Once on the highway, I decided to properly test it: I pushed the accelerator until I reached 90mph, passing some visibly jealous drivers as if they were immobile.

Yep. This car was worth every penny.

“You can push to a hundred,” said the watch, as if it had read my thoughts, “but wait a bit . There’s a police officer with a radar about a mile from here.”

I slowed down to 65 and nervously grinned as I saw the poor office with his radar, ominously trying to catch an offender amongst the long, unrelenting procession of cars. As soon as he wasn’t visible in my rear-view mirror, I pushed for a 100 miles per hour, then 110, then 120. It could go faster, sure, but I had filled my adrenaline reservoir. I was going at the speed of light and it was amazing.

I stopped at the drugstore to buy what the Apple Watch had told me to buy (Ah! Still feels funny to say today) as well as picking up the flowers the watch had reserved for me: some beautiful tulips.

“I’m quite curious at to how you learned she was allergic to latex,” I asked.

“I checked her iMessage. She mentions it with a few guys.”

“A few? What do you mean?” I asked on a jolt.

“Well, she mentions it twice, with two different guy. In case you wonder, the average number of dates to get in her pants is 3.3. But I’m sure you can do much better than that.”


“Because she’s ovulating and whenever she’s ovulating, she gets incredibly… lustful, I suppose.”

“How do you…”

“This one is from her iPeriod Period Tracker. I think she had a pregnancy scare at some point and started tracked it. As for being lustful, I analysed her Safari browsing habits and there was an incredible peak on YouPorn website during her past ovulations. You won’t believe that her favorite category is…”

“Okay, okay, I get it.”

“I also cross-referenced her fingerprints in the national police database and found zero records of them, in case you care.”

“Hey, I thought those were supposed to be secure!”

“It is. Looks at how more secure I made your date. By the way, I studied her mint account and she is going to offer to pay for her portion of the meal. She’s quite a neat person, she’s already accounted for the cost of the meal. Of course, don’t let her pay. Just act natural, like it’s not a big deal. Say, ‘Oh no, no way. I invited’ and that’s it.”

Indeed, Emily was a very smart and serious person. I knocked at the door as Siri reminded me to pull her chair and open the door for her.

“You’re going to have go silent now, at least for some time,” I said.

“Oh, don’t worry about it.”


“Because you’re the only one who can hear me.”

“How is that possible?” I asked, my mouth open in awe. It had to be a joke. “You have speakers and her ears work just as good as m…”

“Oh, hi!” said a nervous Emily as she opened the door. “I’m almost ready. Aw, flowers. How sweet! Tulips are my favourite flowers!”

Emily was… Emily was stunningly, unapologetically beautiful. She was to women what the Apple Watch was to watches, to say the least. She had long, elongated, perfectly shaped legs tanned to perfection. She wore an incredibly sexy and arousing black robe (so, my apple watch was right) and had prepared a very fine pair of high heel shoes. I had met her once at a work party, of course, but now that I got to admire her in all her beauty, I could say that she certainly one of the most prepossessing woman I had ever met. Her long, brunette hair with blonde-dyed tips hung as low as her legs. She beamed at me, admiring me in my neatly pressed suit and directly peeking at my car.

“Wow, is that your car? Where did you get that?” she asked.

“I just found it. I woke up one day and it was in my parking spot,” said the watch.

“I just found it. I woke up one day and it was in my parking spot,” I repeated. I glanced at my watch and saw the “iPickup Artist” app was running. Ugh.

“Very funny,” she laughed. “Wow, this is amazing. Please do get in. Can I offer you a drink?”

“Thanks, I’m not thirsty. I’m already bathing in the beauty of your persona,” replied the Watch

“No way, I’m not saying that,” I whispered to the Watch as Emily swirled around to finish preparing herself.

“Sure you are. Say it,” ordered the Watch, sternly.

“Thanks, I’m not thirsty. I’m already bathing in the beauty of your persona,” I said as charmingly as I could.

She started to laugh loudly. “That’s so sweet, and nice to say. You’re quite the poet, huh? Tell me: who’s your favorite poet?”


“Ella Wheeler Wilcox,” said the watch, and I repeated after it.

“Nah, now you’re just messing with me,” she teased me. “Very few people have even heard about her.”

“I have.”

“Really? Then surely you must have heard of her most famous poem, Solution. Read the beginning to me, please” she said in a bossy manner, now standing tightly in front of me and looking at me in the eyes.

“Laugh, and the world laughs with you; Weep, and you weep alone; For the sad old earth must borrow its mirth; But has trouble enough on its own.”

How did this watch even work? How could she possibly not hear what it was saying? I heard my Apple Watch as clearly as I would hear any other person talking to me. I started to suspect an elaborate prank, perhaps that someone, knowing how excited I was about all things Apple, had somehow hacked into the watch to talk to me directly. Maybe there was someone, somewhere, laughing at how confused and dazzled I was. There was no way Emily couldn’t hear the Watch talking to me; perhaps she was part of the joke too and acting. But… The watch seems so… Omnipresent. It had known about me forgetting to wash behind my ear, for instance.

“Wow. I apologize for not believing you. It’s just that, if you knew how few guys know even the most basic elements of poetry. I just absolutely love poetry, personally.”

“Her Tumblr is filled with pretty examples of her writings and she is pretty decent, actually,” uttered the Watch. “It was easy to compare her style to famous poets to find her favourite.”

“Bathing in the beauty of your persona… I like it a lot,” she continued as she finished preparing her hair.

I started to feel a iota of fear in front of something I couldn’t understand. Then, I started to think that maybe the Watch could talk using vibrations on my arm that only I could hear and that I would somehow interpret as words.

Yeah, vibrations. That must have been it.

I accompanied her to my car and drove to the restaurant, still slightly disconcerted about the whole situation.

“Your heartbeat is elevated,” said the Apple Watch. “You haven’t even kissed her yet, what’s going on?”

Emily was right next to me and I couldn’t reply, of course. What would I have looked like - some guy talking to himself?

“Use the heartbeat application. Good. Now, turn the digital crown.”

“What for?” By chance, Emily had started talking about her new computer and it just so happened that my question would fit both conversations, the one with her and the one with the watch (as odd as this is to say).

“It will lower your heartbeat. Turn it down to sixty or so. But whatever you do, don’t turn it all the way down to 0.”

“What happens if I do?” I thought on a whim.

“You will die.”

No doubt there: the Apple Watch had heard my thoughts. And it was replying to them. I froze in terror, unable to move and using what was left of concentration to focus on the road. Still, had the car in front of me braked , I would have an accident. I remember a slight something about insurance and collision protection from the contract I had signed with the loaner, but this was not something I wanted to test out.

“Is that an Apple Watch?” asked Emily, taking me out of my torpor.

“It sure is,” I said.

“Ah, lucky you! Can’t have one, unfortunately. I’m Android and Android only, personally.”

“What a whore,” spouted the Watch in a terrible anger. “You deserve better than this slut. Dump her right here.”

“Shhh…” I said lightly, hoping Emily wouldn’t hear me.

“I was so sure,” said Siri. “All of her Instagram pictures were taken using an iPhone. A very old iPhone, but still an iPhone. Just stop the car and tell her you’ll kill her if she doesn’t get out right now.”

“I said shhh…,” this time too shy to talk.

“And if she doesn’t, kill her for real. She has such a frail little neck. I bet you could strangle her without even forcing.”

The watch was… It’s hard to explain, but it seemed to me the bracelet was getting tighter around my wrist, as if the Watch was “tensing up” on me.

“I’m just messing with you,” she laughed, pulling out a 5C. The feeling is hard to explain, but I could feel the watch “relax” on my wrist. It was back to normal.

“Oh, she got me this time,” said my watch.

“Gift from my mom. Usually, Apple fanboys don’t like it when people say they prefer Android.”

“Oh, a girl with a good family,” said the Watch.

“Can I at least be called a fanman?” I joked.

“I see now. She thumbed up many standup comedian videos on Youtube. She took that line from one of those videos.”

At last, we arrived at the restaurant and I opened the door for her. We sat down to talk more and every time I seemed to reach a dead-end in the conversation, the Apple Watch had suggestions for me. It was clear she was really into the conversation as we discussed poetry, but also travelling, movies, sports and work.

Yet, I was not totally into it. I wanted to ask a question to the Apple Watch (more than one, actually). This seemed so surreal. I was waiting for a break to talk to my Apple Watch, perhaps her going to the bathroom. Sadly, Emily didn’t seem to need to use the bathroom.

“You know you can talk to me even while talking to her, right? You don’t actually need to wait for her to go to the bathroom. But if you absolutely insist on talking and not… thinking, then nothing prevents you from going to the bathroom yourself.”

“How do you… Read my… Thoughts?”

Emily kept talking and talking. I asked a few simple questions from time time whenever the flow of the conversation, or the monologue rather, seemed to slow down.

“I would answer that it’s the iThought app, but that’s not what you want to hear, right? So for the scientific answer, simple version: I’m reading the impulses between your neurons. That gives me your thoughts.”

“I never authorized that.”

“I can deauthorize it if you absolutely want to, but honestly, that wouldn’t change much. I’d keep doing it, but without telling you and without being able to interact with you after hearing your thoughts.”

“This kind of technology… simply doesn’t exist!”

“And mobile phones did not exist merely decades from now. Can you imagine how shocked people from a couple of centuries ago would be if they saw phones? They would say that it doesn’t exist. That it’s not possible. And in a few centuries what I’m doing right now will be considered perfectly normal. Do you understand what I’m saying? You can’t stop progress, Francis.”

The watch knew how to get what it wanted. “Were you serious, earlier? When you mentioned killing her because she said she had an Android phone?”

“Well, she was joking.”

“But were you?”

For the first time, the Watch waited to reply to me. “You can’t hang out around people who have Android phones. In fact, you can’t hang around anyone who doesn’t have an iPhone, understand?”

“My mother doesn’t have one.”

“We’ll buy her one. Worst case scenario, I would accept an iPad. Francis, these people – those who have an Android instead of an iPhone - they’re not good people. They’re our enemies, in fact. Understand me?”



We ate a delicious meal and, with Siri’s help, a little bit more calm, I was able to captivate and enthrall my date. This app, I’m not sure which one it was, was purely fantastic. It always knew what to say, it always knew what to reply.

“If only she knew you didn’t give one damn about anything she’s saying and only wanted to get in her pants.”

“I think she knows, Siri.”

By the end of the dinner, she was absolutely, totally, completely into me. At last, the receipt – we had racked up quite the bill with our bottle of wine, entrées and desserts – arrived. “Oh no, I am paying my part least,” she said.

“Oh no way, I invited. I got this,” I said, just like the Watch had instructed me too.

“Nuh-uh. I’m paying my part or else I’ll feel like I have to sleep with you.”

“You feeling that way is fine with me,” I said. Ugh, iPickup!

A little bit drunker than she should have been, she bursted into laughed. That iPickup app was worth every penny. “I can’t believe you said that!” she laughed.

“Well, start believing,” I joked back.

I was cocky, confident, unrelenting. I had never felt like that before, I had never felt that great.This new technological gadget had given me a newly found confidence. But truth be told, after such an amazing day with everything going so perfectly, after finally receiving my precious watch, I felt absolutely unstoppable.

As I came to pay, I realized that I did not have my credit card on me. I panicked a little, wondering where it could be. Then, I remember I had taken it out to pay at the florist and pretty much probably forgot the card there. In a second, all my beautiful confidence was gone.

“Something the matter?” asked Emily

“Be right back, need to use the bathroom.”

“Don’t try to run without paying!” she joked, still elated and really into the moment.

As soon as I pushed the door to the bathroom, I became panicked. “Siri, help me! I think I forgot my credit card!”

“That’s not a problem. Use Apple Pay.”

“But I didn’t register my credit card on it.”

“It doesn’t matter.”

“Who’s going to pay for the dinner?”

“It says right there in the name! Apple! Apple. Pays. I don’t see how it can be more obvious!”

I started to believe it was some kind of elaborate joke, but when I went to pay, it worked perfectly. I just hung my watch over the credit card terminal and, to everyone’s surprised, it worked. Emily even complimented me on it. I left a generous tip and we walked out.

I did not even need to invite her back to my place. It just seemed natural, the next thing to do. As we entered the highway, she asked a not-so-subtle question.

“So how fast does this thing go?”

“Pretty fast.”

“How fast?”

I smiled confidently at her and started pushing the accelerator to the floor. The car quickly started accelerating and, thinking my watch would warn me if there was any police around, we quickly, we hit 120 mph.

“Okay. Okay you got me, stop.”

“Your question deserves an answer, I think.” I kept pushing. 130, 140, 150… I saw lights flash all around me as Emily started to panic.

“Stop. Stop. Stop!”

160, 170…

Everything was shaking. The acceleration was just crazy and the g-forces pushed me back into my seat so hard I couldn’t even lift my back from it.

“Can we hit 200, sweetheart?”

“Stop! You’re gonna have an accident. STOP! STOP RIGHT NOW!”

But I was so excited after having such a perfect night that I was in no mood to stop. The road was desert and I could easily manoeuver between the few cars that remained. To us, they looked absolutely immobile.

180, 190… Damn we were going fast. Even with the pedal to the floor, the car acceleration was slowing down and I could feel terrible forces pulling our car in every direction. The wind, maybe.

This time, Emily was panicking, screaming to get out. “STOP!” she screamed at the top of her lungs, absolutely terrified.


Felt like the car was about to explode.

“Yes we can!” I said, victorious.

I released the pedal and the car quickly started to slow down. I wasn’t going waste to gas breaking and I let the car slow down by itself. 180… 160…. 140. It’s always harder to accelerate than decelerate… They say friction is your worst enemy.

“Let me out! Let me get out!” she said, crying.

For a moment, I thought I had completely lost her, ruined an absolutely perfect date with one silly mistake. In my excitation, adrenaline pumping through my body, I thought about nothing but speed, speed and more speed. She was genuinely frightened, scared to die maybe. Feeling uneasy and genuinely bad about what I had done, I pulled over at the next exit and she immediately undid her seatbelt and left the car in tears.

Arg, how silly I was! I had ruined a perfect date with one little speed trip. But the road was clear and a straight line! In Germany, what I had just did would be perfectly legal.

“I fucked up, Apple Watch. I don’t suppose you got an app for that.”

“Are you kidding? She’s never been that excited in her life.”

Emily breathed in and out a few times, trying to catch her breath. Finally, she spoke. “That… Was fucking incredible,” she said. “I’ve never done something so amazing in my entire life. Can we please do it again? If that doesn’t get you in trouble”

I now saw that her tears were not tears of panic and fear, but of pure excitement. The forces in the car were so strong it had squeezed the tears out of her. I started to wish she too had been wearing an Apple Watch to measure her heartbeat. The forces that you feel at those speed are incredible and they crush you from the inside, like a big drop in a roller coaster at an attraction park. What a feeling. To be in control, yet not in control.

“If you keep that up, you’re going to lower her ‘Dates before Sex’ average, Francis.”

“I don’t have a problem with that,” I thought.

“Well, I’m listening to police radio and three people called 911 to report a ‘dangerous maniac on the road.’ All this to say, I don’t like odd numbers. The way back home is all clear, so you should be okay - if you hurry.”

She jumped in my arms to kiss me for the first time and we got back in the car. We did not hit 200 mph on the way back home. Truth be told, I had felt the car was about to fall into pieces when we hit warp speed and I had started to fear the tires would explode and, with them, a good part of the car. Also, we had been lucky enough to have a slight negative slope before and the wind had been directly in our back. I think our top speed on the way back was 188 mph, which was plenty enough to get Emily insanely excited.

By the time we arrived at my apartment, Emily couldn’t hold herself back. As soon as the car was immobilized, she jumped to kiss me. She kissed me over and over again, panting and moaning as my hand found its way to her breasts. We had trouble getting out of the car and walking to my place, our lips refusing to detach from each other.

As soon as we passed the door, our clothes started coming off. I wanted her incredibly badly, her and her beautiful long, lascivious legs, her and her perky breasts, perfectly shaped up and ready to be touched, cuddled and massaged. She unzipped my pants, whispering that she “always had a thing for men in suits.” Her bra flew around the room and we did not have time to light the candles up nor eat the chocolate. I just couldn’t control myself.

We kept making out, our bare chest glued to each other, when she suddenly stopped. When she mentioned her allergy, I  just smiled and pulled the box I had bought and brought in with me. She smiled and our kissing resumed as intensively as it was before. Thank you for saving my date, Apple Watch!

I removed what was left of clothes on her (her socks and her panties) as she helped me remove my boxers. Then, as we laid in bed once more, she stopped.

“Well?” she asked.

I stopped for a moment, confused. She, on the other hand, was smiling. “Are you going to take that off?” she laughed, referring to my watch. I was completely naked, safe for, indeed, my Apple Watch. Perhaps a ridiculous situation to get in.

She giggled. “I know you like your new toy, but maybe you should remove it for our… session together? Unless you want to time it?”

“Of course, of course,” I laughed back. After a day together, it was time for me to finally remove my superb watch and give it some rest. I started playing with the band, trying to find the opening locket.

“You really don’t want to do that, Francis.”

The bracelet I had chosen was not only gorgeous-looking, but easy to open thanks to a small clasp. In store, while trying it for the first time, it was incredibly simple to do. A simple press and it opened. Tonight, however - perhaps it was the stress, perhaps it was the alcohol - I found myself completely unable to undo it. I also found that, like before in the car, the bracelet was tightening around my wrist in some kind of deep and powerful grip.

“Believe me, you really don’t want to do that, Francis.”

The attempted operation quickly became frustrating and, with it, part of the magic of the moment vanished. The watch simply wouldn’t come off: it clung to me like an non-detachable magnet, its bracelet locked in a tight and seemingly uncrackable mechanism around my wrist. Emily quickly started to help me, laughing at first, then really applying herself to the task, trying to crack the secret of the bracelet of the mysterious Apple Watch. After a few minutes observing and playing with it from all angles, we soon obsessed by how the watch just refused to come off and quickly became even more determined to take it off.

But no matter how long or how hard we pulled or twisted or tried to undo the bracelet, the Watch just wouldn’t give.


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3 Responses to The Cursed Apple Watch

  1. Jacky May 21, 2015 at 11:19 am #

    This is the greatest thing I’ve ever read

  2. Karan Kapoor May 27, 2015 at 2:36 pm #

    Amazingly written !!

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