The Nintendo Switch Sucks And Will Fail Horribly

So after the disaster that was the Wii U - basically just another desperate attempt to capitalize on their “Wii” brand - Nintendo has decided to launch another terrible console, this time named the “Nintendo Switch.” Needless to say, it looks completely outdated before release, it looks really stupid and it will fail heavily.

One day, I will write an entire article on how terrible Nintendo has become, but for now, I’ll just say this: there is no reason to buy a Nintendo Switch, ever. It’s underpowered, even compared to four-year-old consoles, and it’s overpriced. At $299, you could buy the much, much better Playstation 4 and play actual games.

The Wii U was stupid as hell, the Nintendo Switch is even worse

Let’s face it: the Wii U sucked. It’s an horrible console that shouldn’t have existed in the first place, even notwithstanding the dumb name. It was barely more powerful than the Wii, yet forced everyone to buy an entirely new console.

The first time I looked at the Nintendo Switch, I thought to myself: “Wow, this is dumb as hell.” I guess I just don’t get it: this is what the iPhone would look like if it was designed by a team of morons on LSD:

It is a portable console? Is it a controller? No, it’s both! Tired of looking at your 52″ TV screen? You can look at a 5″, low-resolution screen on your controller instead! INNOVATION!

There’s nothing even remotely original or new about the Nintendo Switch. It’s an underpowered, overpriced gimmick being paraded as the next big thing. People will get tired of it faster than I get tired of my average date after a couple of drinks. It’s more of the same, very average games that would never sell more than 10,000 copies without the “Donkey Kong” or “Zelda” name attached to it. Some indie developers make games that are far better than anything Nintendo produced in the last 10 years for $9.99.

You know, I wouldn’t even complain about all of that if there wasn’t that one big, glaring problem:

Nintendo has no decent games anymore.

Name me ONE very good game that Nintendo did in the last five years. Go.

I can think of dozens of games that were amazing on the Playstation 3 (Dark souls 2, The Last of Us, Grand Theft Auto 5, etc.) I can’t think of a single game on the Wii or the Wii U that blew my mind. Mario Kart has been doing the same thing for 20 years. Super Mario Galaxy is boring, easy, repetitive and tedious. New Super Mario Bros U. is a 2d-platformer that could have coded by an undergrad video game designer in a month. Skyward Sword was about as challenging as watching paint dry.

Nintendo is simply unable to make good games anymore. And it no longer have developers making good games for them neither. I remember trying some version of Call of Duty on the Wii. It was literally the worst game I had ever played. Let me sum up my points using this article:

  • Graphical fidelity and render resolution are significantly lower on the Wii versions of the game.
  • The target frame rate is usually around 30FPS instead of 60FPS, making movement appear less smooth and precise aim more difficult.

So who exactly would want to play this game on the Wii? Who is going to waste their time playing a completely inferior version of the game? Why buy a console where you can play a dumbed down version of a game when you can buy a far better console for the same price and enjoy a far better version of the game? What’s the point?

And don’t even get me started on how terrible Nintendo’s multiplayer is and has always be. Oh, and apparently, you have to pay to use it now. Nice.

I have no problems believing Nintendo will sell plenty of those “switches” to old time gamers who are dying to relive Nintendo’s good old glory days. I have no problems believing the new generationwill buy it, hoping their own kids can discover Nintendo like they once did (herp derp I’m a kid again! I can relive my childhood through my child’s eyes!). But apart from a few nostalgic and a few suckers, nobody will buy that garbage useless platform, safe perhaps for those fans desperate to try out the new Zelda. Which will probably suck hardcore too.

Nintendo is dead, it’s been dead for many years and I wouldn’t play a Nintendo Switch even if you gave it to me for free. All their games suck. The Nintendo Switch is perhaps the zenith of arrogance, incompetence and stupidity. I can only hope it will meet the end it deserves, but I know very well that with good marketing, Nintendo can churn out millions of these until people wake up and realize it’s garbage.

To be clear, Nintendo is not dying. They can keep milking their pokemon, super mario and Zelda for decades, if only with the nostalgics. But let’s face: Nintendo hasn’t made an actually decent product in close to a decade. The Nintendo Switch is so dumb and useless I think this is the only true “innovation” here. Maybe they’ll do even worse next time.

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