I don’t think I’ve ever watched such a waste of time in my life. Well, this isn’t as so much as a waste of time than a colossal void. That would be the best way to describe this movie: a void. Nothing in it made sense and nothing it was even slightly interesting.
By far the biggest problem of The Magnificent Seven is that no actor reallywanted to be in it. Every single actor looked bored, placid and uninteresting. Even Jennifer Lawrence who looks as inspired as me after a 3 hours class on Accounting. Just look at this picture:
Every actor looks bored as hell. Just look at the guy in middle with a charcoal suit: he’s probably wondering whether he left his oven turned on or not.
Speaking of which, I honestly didn’t give a shit about any character in that movie. Most of them had less than 2 minutes to develop a character and the introduction was so dreadful I honestly should have slept through it - I think I would have been better off grabbing an hour of sleep instead of watching every single cliché scene in existence. From right to left, we have:
- Some guy that even I couldn’t miss even if I tried and I never shot a gun in my life. We are basically told that he survived the wild or something, then he was knocked with a rock and fell down a cliff and I really don’t know
- The Indian guy, on a quest for something (?). Honestly not sure what this guy’s deal was, but he was the only character I liked because he used a bow and bows are silent and seem to be one-hit kill no matter where you hit the enemy.
- I don’t know who the fuck this guy is. He killed a ranger. I don’t know. I don’t think I’ve seen him again after his “introduction.”
- This guy single-handly ruined the movie, from his stupid scene where he runs away and then come back at the last minute to do… nothing. We are told he killed 23 people during a battle, which makes him some kind of expert marksman, but every guy in this movie is an expert marksman
- The main character of the movie, I suppose. Somewhat likeable until the stupid ending where it is revealed that - coincidentally - the main villain of the movie raped his wife/mother/sister/I don’t fucking know.
- The guy from Guardians of the Galaxy. Does his best, but ends up being as empty as my latest essay on the future of Pygmies. Seriously, I can’t even explain how empty and shallow this guy is
- The Chinese guy who throws knife.
That’s it: your magnificent seven. Add every single cliché scene in existence, from the burning of a church (technically, arson, but the guy is allowed to live in a major city like nothing ever happened) to killing innocent villagers, including the husband of the movie’s female protagonist because why not. There’s even that stupid scene where civilians try to shoot and completely miss, as to point out how stupid and defenseless they are. I’ve never shot a gun in my life, but I’m fairly sure I could hit a target after 10-15 mins of practice with a shotgun. I mean, those people colonized an entire wasteland and fought against coyotes, bandits and so on and you’re going to tell me that no man in that damn village can even aim (except the female protagonist, of course - I refer to her by that name because I don’t remember her name from the movie because I don’t care).
So anyway, there’s that rich guy, and he has a mine already working, but he decides he has to raze the village or buy the village or something, so he wants to kick out everyone, because it’s impossible to exploit that mine if people live in a village nearby. Okay. So the female protagonist hire the magnificent seven who all decide they are fine with dying defending a random, dying, half-crumbling town in the middle of nowhere for some reason. Then, a lot of crap happen, from a never-ending dining scene where the Indian doesn’t want to eat the “White Man Food” (because he’s never eaten beans in his life or something) to another scene where the Indian reveals he could speak English all along (duh!!!) to another scene where the man in the middle (deadnight something) reveals he is haunted by visions of people he killed to…
I don’t know. This movie seems like a colossal void. I guess what pissed me off is that instead of simply assassinating the guy (who was defended by something like 5 bodyguards) in his house, they mount the most stupid defense in the world. As soon as they brought the gattling gun out - which apparently go through several layers of wood with ease since the town is made out of cardboard - I understood how stupid the movie is.
If there are siege weapons out there in existence - something that someone would obviously would buy if he wanted to attack a city, especially someone who is super rich and we are reminded to main antagonist is super-rich a painful amount of times through the movie - then obviously holing yourself somewhere when you have there’s nothing to stop that siege weapon is not only stupid and careless, but completely dumb. Do you know why people stopped building castles the moment the canon was invented? Yeah. At the very minimum, they needed some kind of sniper; by the time the Gatling gun was invented, snipers could hit over 2,000 yards and every single hero in that movie is a master shooter who never miss a shoot, so they have no excuse.
Anyway, that movie sucked, but not in a bad way: it sucked in a “meh, I feel dumb I was sucked into this, but there are enough good actors and enough budget in this movie for me not to feel like a complete idiot” kind of way.