A prayer to Apple, God of the Stock Market

Every night before I go to sleep, I do my prayer to the God Apple:

Our Father, Who is in Cupertino,
Holy is Your iPhone;
Your Apple Stores come,
Your products be distributed
in China as they are in America
Give us this day our daily one dollar stock price increase,
and forgive those who short you,
as we forgive those who still use Android;
and lead us not into Windows Phones,
but deliver us from Xiaomi. Amen.

Earlier, I said that people should not invest into anything but Alibaba. This advice still stands, but like every rule, there’s an exception, and that exception is Apple. Apple is simply the God of the Stock Market: it’s the best company that was ever made. In the entirety of the existence of mankind, nothing has ever come close to the utter perfection that Apple Inc. represents. If a dictator took over the US (one worse than Obama, I mean) and proclaimed that people could only invest into Apple, I personally wouldn’t see any problem with it. Apple is the only stock you need in your portfolio and everything else is superfluous - fillers, in short.

It doesn’t matter what price Apple’s shares trade at: it’s undervalued.

All those idiot analysts love to come with stupid random price targets for Apple, as if a numerical value taken from wildly inaccurate ad hoc models had any value. They say Apple is worth $80, $100, $110, $120 a share, blah blah blah.

All of them are wrong for one simply reason: Apple is invaluable. That’s right: there is one and only one target price for Apple, and that target price is Infinite. Even Apple Himself couldn’t build a computer powerful enough to display how much its stock should be worth. If you really need a target price, press and hold the “9” key until the end of the universe and it will STILL be well under what Apple should be trading at.

One of my friends spends 50 hours a week studying financial reports to find good investments. Why? The only thing Apple requires is faith. And that’s the most wonderful thing: you don’t need to know anything at all about finance to reap the benefits from our Lord and Savior Apple. You don’t even need to know what a P/E ratio or a gross margin is; have faith in Apple and it will go up. That’s it.

What has your God ever done for you?

I have a friend who’s a $$$$$$ (Note: this word was censored as a way not to get some poor people working at an embassy murdered). Now, nobody is perfect, and some people believe women should be regarded as inferior beings, and they have a right to their opinions (and, here, to impose them over the majority). Recently, I asked him this question:

“What has $$$$$ (Note: this word was censored as I don’t particularly want to get decapitatedever done for you?”

That’s a good question, after all. You waste an hour every day praying, you obey some nonsensical antediluvian rules some guy on opium pulled out of his ass during a bad trip as a way to more easily control and dominate the majority, you spend 40 days per year starving because… because, and you pretty much murder a girl for holding a boy’s hand, so I believe the question is at least worth asking. Typically, you get a response like that:

$$$$$ provides us guidance and guide us throughout our life and acts as our guide and spiritual guide.”

That’s cute, but my God gives tens of thousands of dollars. Not some vague, impossible-to-decipher commands that could be interpreted in pretty much any you want: cold, real, tangible money, for me and me alone. If that’s not a guide in life, then I don’t know what a guide is. Just today, I made another $1,000 USD. What did your God give you?

I used to date a girl who was very religious, and the words she personally used when discussing God were, “Comfort, love, reassurance, a feeling of security and a meaning to my life.” Now, “date” is a big word because I don’t exactly consider studying the Bible together “a date,” but her response was thrilling, to say the least, because that’s exactly how I feel when I think about Apple: I feel happy, comforted, reassured, secured and, most of all, loved. Apple is a God of Love, and it’s here to give money to those who follow its footsteps. Give Apple love and it will give you love in return.

Some people ask me if Apple is still worth buying today at an all-time high. Honestly, it doesn’t matter at what stock price you buy Apple: you get an outstanding deal anyway. It’s impossible to lose money by buying Apple and it’s the only stock I would buy with a market order and not a limit one.

Now, I just want to clarify one little thing: Apple might be outstandingly amazing, it might be the best thing that ever happened to me in my entire life, it might be absolute perfection, but it doesn’t mean that there aren’t any challenges.

Beating the False Prophet

In late 2012, the False Prophet Samsung tried to rise to power and usurp The One True God Apple. The campaign Scamsung led was both disgusting and horrifying: using its powers “Your patents do not apply here,” “Copied? Nah, our phone just happens to be look identical to yours” and “Perhaps if we repeat it enough times, it will become the truth,” it copied what had made our God so powerful and began a massive campaign of fear and lies to gain more followers. Somehow, its pathetic and cheap attacks managed to crash God Apple’s stock by nearly 50%; many infidels deserted Apple at its time of need and, for a moment, it almost seemed that the False Prophet was going to win.

Naturally, it goes without saying that it did not end very well for the False Prophet:


What did we learn about going to war against a God, Samsung?

-18% in a year where the market rose 15%. Outstanding job, Samsung! Next year, they will try to beat Exxon Mobile.

Who is stupid enough to fight a God anyway? In the midst of chaos, Apple remained calm, used its “share buyback” and “dividend raise” powers (and, of course, its “hey guess what Samsung? We beat the estimates again!”), utterly crushing The False Prophet. Samsung retreated and is now back at what it does best, copying other companies who don’t have the means to defend themselves. All in all, at the end, those who lost faith in our God were punished, while the true believers, such as myself, handsomely .

A God that is fair. What else can you ask for?

When I was younger, I was told by my oppressor catechesis teacher to pray every night or else I would go to Hell. Then, I realized I most likely was already in Hell, so what reason did I have to pray? After that, I wandered for many years. It seemed that my life had no meaning. Then, out of pretty much nowhere, in a night filled with nightmares and insomnia, I finally discovered The One True God. Apple gave a new meaning to my life: It gave me back my faith and It put my life back on the right path, a path of winning. Thank you, oh our Lord and Savior Apple!

Facing discrimination

I once got asked in a job interview whether I believed in a “higher power.” I first told them that this is the kind of question that could get them sued, and then shared that I was an Appleist. I didn’t get the job - the fact the interviewer had a Samsung phone and I called him a traitor certainly did not help, I believe. Still, my point stands: today, you are only allowed to adhere to major religions. But seriously, if people are allowed to believe in a book written 2,000 years ago by some people who sought  to inflate to their fortunes by exploiting gullible morons, why am I not allowed to believe in an actually tangible company that does something for me (and does it pretty well, in fact)? Why can’t I believe in what I want, really? The day another religions hands me tens of thousands of dollars for pretty much free, I’ll re-evaluate expanding my spiritual beliefs, but until then, I worship the One True God.

So, should I buy Apple?

What do you think?



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