I was browsing the Apple website today because I’m obsessed with Apple when I came across what I think is the worst Apple Watch App so far. Here it is:
Wow, what a fantastic premise. So my son or daughter is using the iPad, I can use this App to remotely pause the video and pretty much boss my kid around. Why bother taking the time interacting with your kid when you can basically use a remote control to do it from far away? You won’t even need to leave your seat.
I have another idea for you: instead of using an App to control your child’s life… Why not interact with him instead? Instead of pressing a button to order your child around, why not go to your child and say, “Hey, it’s a beautiful and sunny day, you should really go play outside for some time. You can finish your video or game later tonight, okay?” Do you really need an app to keep your interactions your children at a bare minimum?
Playkids: one more excuse not to interact with your kids
This app is disrespectful on so many levels it almost makes me reconsider my decision to buy an Apple Watch. Is that really the kind of world we want to live in? Instead of a mother picking her child in her arms to prepare him for bed, we want people to use an App that does it for them?
And then we wonder why children have attachment problems and problems trusting adults. And then we wonder why teenagers grow away from their parents and don’t trust them.
Children need attention and physical contact. The day Apple invents an iPad that can comfort a crying child and hug him, I’ll reconsider my position, but for now, let me just say that this app is a terrible idea. A child needs to hear the voice of his parent, not the voice of some loony cartoon character that doesn’t even exist. By the way, I love how the watch reminds the parent to “interact with his kid.” Are we really, as a society, at a point where we not only need to set fixed time periods to “interact” with our children, but where we need an app to remind us of it as well?
A child needs to know that he matters to people he cares about and loves and this “app” is just another excuse for parents to shirk their responsibilities and avoid spending time with them.
Playkids: the closest thing there is to a remote control for kids
Already, kids are dumped in baby farms from pretty much birth, to be tossed from one educator to the next up until the time parents can simply ship them to school for the next 12 years of their lives. And that’s not enough? That little time children today get to spend with their parents will apparently vanish to give Apple Watch yet another use?
Why go downstairs to tell your child to brush his teeth when you can do the same with a press on your Apple Watch? Stop interrupting your work to take care and parent your children – there’s an app for that!
My idea? An app that tucks kids in bed and reads them a story.
Human contact, specially affection, is fundamental when raising a child. Am I the only one who sees a problem with this program and what it seeks to do? It basically tries to erode the parent-child relationship a little bit further. If I want my child to go brush his teeth, I’ll go talk to him and tell him to. I’ll take the time it takes to go see him and explain why it’s important to brush your teeth if need be. I won’t press a button on a gadget just to save the few minutes of my day.
Not everything can be replaced by technology, people. If you don’t want to have a child, then don’t have one. I don’t see how I could make this clearer. And if you absolutely want a child and don’t want to interact with him, then hire someone who will. Go work at that job you’re so good at and where you make so much money and hire some nanny to raise your children instead. Hire someone to take care of him or her while you work so your child can develop the basis of human interactions. Yes, I know the app is cheaper, but have a minimum of decency.
Dumping your child in front of an iPad hoping that he gets a childhood is disgusting. Using an App to remotely control him around like some kind of puppy robot is even worst. At this point, just set up a daily schedule and have the iPad run the schedule for him. I can see it from here: you program everything on the iPad and everything is done automatically.
And this brings me to my next idea…
Introducing my first official App…
Are you already tired of your kids? Tough luck, you got a decade or so left. At least you’ll be able to tell your coworkers, “Yes, I have children. I haven’t seen them in a while but according to the Health & Fitness program, they are doing well.”
Introducing iParents, the program you’ve already dreamed of. Stop wasting time being a parent and free up your busy schedule using iParents, the app that does everything for you! Imagine the freedom! Imagine not having to take care of your kids anymore. Imagine not having to tell your kids you love them (iParents does it for you). Imagine all those hours you could have free just to yourself if you didn’t need to take care of those pesky kids. There’s even a mode that allows you to leave for vacations for up to six weeks! Imagine getting that romantic getaway to Paris you’ve always wanted and thought impossible because “you have kids, now!”
See the typical schedule for a below and watch how you can keep interaction with your kids to a minimum. You won’t even notice they’re there!
PROGRAM’S RECOMMENDED AGE: 6-8
Note: iParents works by loading additional applications which may incur additional fees.
|7:00 AM||Alarm||WAKE UP||This wonderful programs makes the painful task of waking up painfully easy! By default, the alarm uses the sounds of a serial killer because we want to better prepare children for a lifetime of servitude and fear. Additional alarm sounds available for $1.99+.|
|7:15 AM||iClothes||DRESS UP||Do you wish mommy was there to help you pick clothes and help you dress up? Well, this app is almost as good as mommy and it's not like you had a choice anyway because you're just a kid. Parents can pre-enter all available clothes and a random combination will be selected for you! Note: extra fees for color-matching|
|7:30 AM||iAnorexia||EAT BREAKFAST||Your parents are not there to prepare breakfast for you? Well, this program will instruct you on how to make a delicious bowl of cereals! Too small to reach the handle of the fridge's door? I guess eating an apple from the fruit bowl will do.|
|7:45 AM||Apple Maps||GO TO SCHOOL||This app will tell you which path to follow to safely reach either your bus stop, or a ravine (depending on the version). Parents may pay extra to avoid a path that goes in front of registered sexual offenders' houses or they may pay even more to select a path that goes in front of as many RSO houses as possible.|
|3:45 PM||JustEat||EAT A SNACK||Coming back from school and hungry? Rightfully so, since eating a properly balanced diet is important if you want to be strong just like mommy and daddy (if you still remember what they look like). This snack will analyze the nutriments in your blood to select an optimal snack for you! (note: food purchased separately).|
|4:00 PM||AppleTV||WATCH YOUR FAVORITE SHOW!||Enjoy this little break in the day to watch your favorite show on either the iPad or AppleTV. The iPad and AppleTV will auto-activate and auto-deactivate during that time period. Note: iPad and AppleTV not included.|
|4:30 PM||myHomeWork||DO YOUR HOMEWORK||Use this wonderful app to help you do your homework. Stuck on a problem? Use your magical jewels to solve them for you (note: magical jewels must be purchased separately. Magical jewels are not usable during exams or tests)|
|5:30 PM||Just Eat||EAT DINNER||This little apple I gave you two hours ago is far away? Good, because it's meal time! Your mommy and daddy don't want to see you, but they also don't want to lose you to CPS, meaning they have to feed you. Get your favorite meal right now, delivered straight to your home, using Just Eat's application! Starting at $5.99.|
|6:00 PM||iChores||DO THE DISHES||One might wonder what dishes there are to make since you just ordered takeout. But if your parents cared about what you wonder about, they wouldn't have bought iParents. Sorry kid, better luck next life!|
|6:30 PM||GameCenter||PLAY GAMES||Beat your friends in those amazing iOS games that mostly consist of swiping the screen to see what happens. Even monkey aren't entertained by so little. Play the famous Candy Crush, FarmVille, Clash of Clans and many more!|
|6:45 PM||iMgrounded||GET GROUNDED||You didn't really do anything wrong, but it's better to prevent that cure, so this iPad will sternly ground you and cut your bedtime from 8:30PM to 8:00PM. What better way to get prepared for an adulthood of getting subjugated by others and to have to follow rules that makes no sense and serve no purpose others than maintain a semblance of harmony in our society than to get demolished by a piece of glass and aluminium? Punishments are taken at random, but almost always implies a reduced bedtime because that makes sense, right? Extra cost to get the iPad to electrocute your child.|
|7:00 PM||iBubbleBath||GO TAKE A BATH||Who doesn't like bubblebaths? Your iPad, of course, but you do! This fun program will remind you to take a bath and explain every step along the way. NEW IN iPad Water 2.0: Dip a corner of the iPad in the water to make sure it's the good temperature.|
|7:15 PM||iHealth 2.0||WASH YOURSELF||Follow the instructions in the video below to properly clean you off and remain in good health. Make sure to orient your iPad so it can observe you properly, as the video will automatically be stored on the cloud and analysed by our experts" to make sure you are doing it properly."|
|7:30 PM||MyHappySmile||BRUSH YOUR TEETH||This instructional video will explain how to properly brush your teeth and floss! Take a picture of your mouth and for only $9.99, our dentist will analyse the recording to make sure you did it properly.|
|7:45 PM||iSleep||TUCK YOURSELF IN BED||This set of very clear instructions and diagrams will tell you how to tuck yourself in bed properly so monsters don't eat you. Then again, you have more chance to see monsters than your parents.|
|8:00 PM||Audible||THE IPAD WILL NOW READ STORY||What better way to sleep well than to have your iPad read you a bednight story? A choice of Three! stories because we all know children always want to hear the same story read to them all the time anyway.|
|10:00 PM||iNightmare||GET CONFORTED BY THE IDAD||Had a big, bad, scary nightmare? Let your iPad comfort you with its soothing music and its "everything is going to be alright, daddy is here… not really, but at least you got a piece of metal.|
With some luck, you might not have to interact with your kids until they are 14, except perhaps to plug the iPad.
“iParents: It’s better than nothing, I guess.”
NOTE: Using of iParents on babies is not recommended as babies might damage the iPad. Get the iPod touch edition instead. The iPod touch might still get damaged by your baby, but at least it will be less costly to replace and by the time you’ll need to replace it, iPod Touches will be totally obsolete anyway.
NOTE ABOUT ELECTROCUTION: Your child must hold the iPad. Do not give the iPad to cats or dogs. Do not immerse iPad in water. Do not use electrocution mode on children with cardiac problems. Do not use electrocution mode while a social worker is present. Electrocution mode may make the child resent the iPad. If you insist on using electrocution mode, we suggest you use our Android version on an Android tablet; that way, when the child becomes fearful of a certain brand, you can easily switch to another. Furthermore, using the electrocution mode with an Android tablet will push the child further away from the Android ecosystem and further into the One True Ecosystem, Apple.
Sadly enough, I feel this app would be more competent than many parents on this planet.
That being said, don’t be shocked if the child starts calling your iPad “daddy” instead of you.