The Worst Apple Watch App (so far)

I was browsing the Apple website today because I’m obsessed with Apple when  I came across what I think is the worst Apple Watch App so far. Here it is:

Interact with your kid: because it’s important that your Apple Watch remind you that.

Wow, what a fantastic premise. So my son or daughter is using the iPad, I can use this App to remotely pause the video and pretty much boss my kid around. Why bother taking the time interacting with your kid when you can basically use a remote control to do it from far away? You won’t even need to leave your seat.

I have another idea for you: instead of using an App to control your child’s life… Why not interact with him instead? Instead of pressing a button to order your child around, why not go to your child and say, “Hey, it’s a beautiful and sunny day, you should really go play outside for some time. You can finish your video or game later tonight, okay?” Do you really need an app to keep your interactions your children at a bare minimum?

Playkids: one more excuse not to interact with your kids

This app is disrespectful on so many levels it almost makes me reconsider my decision to buy an Apple Watch. Is that really the kind of world we want to live in? Instead of a mother picking her child in her arms to prepare him for bed, we want people to use an App that does it for them?

And then we wonder why children have attachment problems and problems trusting adults. And then we wonder why teenagers grow away from their parents and don’t trust them.

Children need attention and physical contact. The day Apple invents an iPad that can comfort a crying child and hug him, I’ll reconsider my position, but for now, let me just say that this app is a terrible idea. A child needs to hear the voice of his parent, not the voice of some loony cartoon character that doesn’t even exist. By the way, I love how the watch reminds the parent to “interact with his kid.” Are we really, as a society, at a point where we not only need to set fixed time periods to “interact” with our children, but where we need an app to remind us of it as well?

A child needs to know that he matters to people he cares about and loves and this “app” is just another excuse for parents to shirk their responsibilities and avoid spending time with them.

Playkids: the closest thing there is to a remote control for kids

Already, kids are dumped in baby farms from pretty much birth, to be tossed from one educator to the next up until the time parents can simply ship them to school for the next 12 years of their lives. And that’s not enough? That little time children today get to spend with their parents will apparently vanish to give Apple Watch yet another use?

Why go downstairs to tell your child to brush his teeth when you can do the same with a press on your Apple Watch? Stop interrupting your work to take care and parent your children – there’s an app for that!

My idea? An app that tucks kids in bed and reads them a story.

Human contact, specially affection, is fundamental when raising a child. Am I the only one who sees a problem with this program and what it seeks to do? It basically tries to erode the parent-child relationship a little bit further. If I want my child to go brush his teeth, I’ll go talk to him and tell him to. I’ll take the time it takes to go see him and explain why it’s important to brush your teeth if need be. I won’t press a button on a gadget just to save the few minutes of my day.

Not everything can be replaced by technology, people. If you don’t want to have a child, then don’t have one.  I don’t see how I could make this clearer. And if you absolutely want a child and don’t want to interact with him, then hire someone who will. Go work at that job you’re so good at and where you make so much money and hire some nanny to raise your children instead. Hire someone to take care of him or her while you work so your child can develop the basis of human interactions. Yes, I know the app is cheaper, but have a minimum of decency.

Dumping your child in front of an iPad hoping that he gets a childhood is disgusting. Using an App to remotely control him around like some kind of puppy robot is even worst. At this point, just set up a daily schedule and have the iPad run the schedule for him. I can see it from here: you program everything on the iPad and everything is done automatically.

And this brings me to my next idea…

Introducing my first official App…

iParents

Are you already tired of your kids? Tough luck, you got a decade or so left. At least you’ll be able to tell your coworkers, “Yes, I have children. I haven’t seen them in a while but according to the Health & Fitness program, they are doing well.”

Introducing iParents, the program you’ve already dreamed of. Stop wasting time being a parent and free up your busy schedule using iParents, the app that does everything for you! Imagine the freedom! Imagine not having to take care of your kids anymore. Imagine not having to tell your kids you love them (iParents does it for you). Imagine all those hours you could have free just to yourself if you didn’t need to take care of those pesky kids. There’s even a mode that allows you to leave for vacations for up to six weeks! Imagine getting that romantic getaway to Paris you’ve always wanted and thought impossible because “you have kids, now!”

See the typical schedule for a below and watch how you can keep interaction with your kids to a minimum. You won’t even notice they’re there!

PROGRAM’S RECOMMENDED AGE: 6-8

Note: iParents works by loading additional applications which may incur additional fees.

With some luck, you might not have to interact with your kids until they are 14, except perhaps to plug the iPad.

“iParents: It’s better than nothing, I guess.”

NOTE: Using of iParents on babies is not recommended as babies might damage the iPad. Get the iPod touch edition instead. The iPod touch might still get damaged by your baby, but at least it will be less costly to replace and by the time you’ll need to replace it, iPod Touches will be totally obsolete anyway.

NOTE ABOUT ELECTROCUTION: Your child must hold the iPad. Do not give the iPad to cats or dogs. Do not immerse iPad in water. Do not use electrocution mode on children with cardiac problems. Do not use electrocution mode while a social worker is present. Electrocution mode may make the child resent the iPad. If you insist on using electrocution mode, we suggest you use our Android version on an Android tablet; that way, when the child becomes fearful of a certain brand, you can easily switch to another. Furthermore, using the electrocution mode with an Android tablet will push the child further away from the Android ecosystem and further into the One True Ecosystem, Apple.

Sadly enough, I feel this app would be more competent than many parents on this planet.

That being said, don’t be shocked if the child starts calling your iPad “daddy” instead of you.

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