The Odd Ritual I Follow Every Apple Earnings

Today is a great day.

Today is the day Apple reports its earnings and, like every other day Apple reports its earnings (a meager four times per year. I wish Apple could report earnings every day), there is a very precise ritual I have to follow so Apple can once again crush estimates. Consider it a ritual.

I have no idea whether my personal rite has any effect on Apple’s results, but so far it has never failed me. For as long as I have lived (and been interesqted in stock trading), every single Apple earnings where I’ve followed this procedure has delivered outstanding results. Keep in mind I always bet a little fortune ($30,000 for the most recentquarter) and that I stand to either lose or make a lot. I suppose that like every degenerate compulsive gambler who has lost control of their lives a long time ago, I tend to put way too much faith in way too little. Anyway, without further delay, let me reveal the sacred ritual to you:

Noon

The Holy Ritual begins at 12:00PM precisely. Typically, I will have been so nervous the night before that I won’t have been able to fall asleep until 3-4AM (despite going to bed at midnight), making this wakeup hour quite reasonable. Today is a rare case, mostly due to the fact Apple reports on a Monday, after a week-end of rest. I woke up at 10AM.

The first thing I do is eat a giant breakfast. I have a big day ahead of me and will have little time to eat. Eggs, ham, french toasts, potatoes, yoghurt, bacon, crepes and, of course, a giant apple. This is a day to feast and I am going to need the energy.

1 PM

I go to the gym where I physically exhaust me. This step is necessary to release some of the accumulated stress and better manage whatever is coming my way. Also, this is the only real time in the day where I will be allowed to train and since I train every day, this is pretty much my only chance.

I want a complete workout and, ideally, one that is very taxing physically. Heavy squats, deadlifts, etc. I don’t like to train so close to eating but, again, I don’t really have a choice.

2 PM

I take a long shower and dress up professionally. A suit is the minimum here. This is an important day.

2:30PM

Now the fun really begins. At this point, I’m on my computer doing a last minute trade. Typically, this means adding to my position and buying some more calls. I try to make this quickly because I don’t want to stress myself out too much. Ideally, it will be all over within 15 minutes.

3:00 PM

Now is the time to go. At this point, I’m typically so nervous I’m about to pass out. I leave my apartment to go to the Bless Coffee Shop, also called a Starbucks.

3:30 PM

My vision is shaking, I can hardly breath and I count every second. I try to calm myself by reading a few news, which usually angers me even more. I am feeling like I am going to die.

3:45 PM

I need to take deep breaths. Oh god what if I’m wrong?  I’m going to lose in an hour what the average citizen earns in a year. GOD HELP ME!

4:00 PM

Damnit damnit damnit damnit damnit why did I buy so many calls what if I fail what if my calls go to zero I shouldn’t have done that I regret it at least I should have taken a smaller position I feel I’m going to puke in fact I might very well puke

4:15 PM

Are the earnings out yet? Is it out yet? Some people have computers that read news faster than I can even think so it’s quite possible that those people have the earnings report already. Sometimes, it comes out right after the market closes. God why don’t I have the earnings report already!

I close Google Finance because the last thing I want to do is check the afterhours price. Not that I would sell in afterhours anyway, but still, if I see the stock crashing 5% I’m dead. Like, literally dead.

I go to Apple’s website and refresh the news section maniacally.

~4:25 PM

All is well. Apple has obliterated earnings estimates once more. I raise my first in the air and scream “YES!” as loud as I can. People look at me. If I was in a bar, I would pay a round to everyone. But I’m not in a bar and I don’t know those people anyway.

I leave Starbucks and go to the Second Holy Cafe Shop, a Second Cup. It’s quite close to the Starbucks.

4:30 PM

I order another coffee and open the earnings stream call on my iPhone. I’m crying as Tim Cook is talking. “We set new records in every category…” I just listen to the call in silence, crying in joyce.

The God company has done it again.

~5:15PM

I leave the Second Cup and go to my favorite Thai restaurant. I am forbidden from visiting this restaurant at any time except after Apple earnings. I have become quite the regular at this place and the cashier, who has been working for this restaurant for like forever, recognizes me. “Appel arnings?” he asks in a broken English. I nod and order my chicken pad thai, as I always do. Soon I won’t even need to say what I want to order. “Beet arnings again?” asks the cashier and I nod with a large smile. Once, a long time ago, I explained in long and large what I was doing, but I am not sure he totally understood it and, if so, why he doesn’t simply do the same himself.

5:45PM

I finish eating in silence. “How muc did you mak?” he asks. “I don’t know yet,” I reply. I don’t really want to. I leave a 100% tip and go back to the Second Cup. I feel totally inspired and keep working on my masterpiece.

8:00PM

Afterhours market closes. I wrap up my work at the cafe, and then finally throw a glance at AAPL. I know the price in afterhours is not representative; once, the price was up 0.1% in AH and the stock opened up 6% the next day, but it still helps me.

On my way back, I stop at my most hated grocery store. I hate it because it’s so ridiculously overpriced ($8 for 1.75L of Tropicana orange juice? Give me a fucking break!) but they have products that nobody else have and they’re fucking delicious. After such an overwhelming success, I am still on a cloud. I buy some great food for the week, as the God of Stocks would have wanted. “One week of celebration to honor my name.”

9:00 PM

I can’t resist the urge to study AAPL a bit more. I reevaluate my original exit strategy (typically, to sell the next morning) and establish targets at which I will sell half my position, 75% of my position, etc. Typically, I am hoping for a gain of 6-8% after earnings so if the stock only rises 2-3% the next day, I will typically keep most of my calls.

10:00 PM

I drink a dram from my $200 bottle of scotch while playing video games, congratulating myself again on a very successful trade. I have done it. I wish I had a cigar to celebrate, but I don’t smoke. I want to go out at a club and celebrate like society tells me I should. Emotions are overwhelming me. I won again.

12:00 PM

I pray and thank the God of Apple for giving me the fruit of my labor. I look at a cool Apple product I can buy with my profits. This quarter, it will be an Apple Watch for sure. I take a shower and then go to sleep.

There we go. On this, it is time for me to get prepared for The Holy Ritual.